The Storms of 2008!!!

Look out LA!!! You could receive a 1/2 inch of rain!!! WOW!!! Oh my God!!! Quick!!! Stop the rest of the world.

That's what it seems like. I made a quick jaunt to Southern California before I head back home tomorrow. The news in LA is a joke. Dramatic, dramatizations with weather people standing on some street corner in Long Beach showing everyone in LA who isn't outside what the weather is like. The news headlines: "The Storm of 2008" And there is snow!!!! The Grapevine is shut down so there is no way I could even drive home. And oh, those rain soaked hills... barren from the fires...

The over-dramatic nature of the news down here is so unreal. The even interrupted a rerun of 'That 70's Show' with a warning that it was going to rain!!! What a joke! It has been raining since I left my home in No Cal and it will continue to rain when I get back. No harm either. Just normal winter rainfall that we get every year (mostly).

Give it up Hollywood!!!

One More Hill

Greg Graffin from Bad Religion

It's a cheesy video, but the only one I could find with this song

I think about myself and my own situation. I struggle. I struggle with living a life to its fullest. The way you live is mostly in your control and the rest is dumb luck. When you are a kid you have aspirations. Who doesn't have desire to be a great person? I, at one time, had strong desire to be a successful musician. The desire came when I was 14 years old. I don't know why. Maybe it was the struggles of adolescence or moving to a new place and having to adapt. Something hit me at that age and I just worked at it every. I picked up a brass horn and played it 2 hours a day. I learned. I studied. I worked on rhythm. I shaped myself into something pretty good by 16 and great by 18. I just played and played until I was good enough to be in the California State Honor Band and get a scholarship to college for it. I wasn't necessarily book smart but I made the grades and became something. And then I went to LA to make it with music either as a performer or the business guy behind it. To be that top guy some where. And it all came crashing down in 7 short months. I was 23. The music in me that I grew kind of died. All that energy I amassed in 9 years sort of left and I fell into the comfort position of the job I have now. That was 10 years ago.

I sort of made the discovery the past week that this whole pain thing I am dealing with is possibly psychological. (Teeny is going DUH!!) I believe now that I am making myself hurt. I have hurt for the better part of 5 years. Ever since that concussion in 2002. All those headaches. Even back to my very first post, 472 posts ago. I am not getting better. Drugs aren't making me better. All that acupuncture bullshit I put myself through. The shots in the spine. The MRI's, the Spinal Taps and the physical therapy. I am coming to the realization that it is all bullshit. It's probably some deep seated depression I just need to get the fuck over.

I am going to be 34 in 28 days. I need to somehow go find that guy I was at 23 and wake his shit up. What the hell was I doing? I did everything and anything I wanted from the time I was 14 until I was 23 out of sheer drive. That and I just didn't see to care about the consequences of failure because that was not an option. I don't feel that drive. I am more or less watching the wheels go around. I need to step into a cold shower after a late night of partying. I don't necessarily need the music thing back... I just need the energy I felt being on top of my little world. When I walked out of college I was unstoppable. Naive as all hell yes... but unstoppable. I think getting that energy back will bring back to keep climbing one more hill.

One More Hill is one of my favorite song and Greg Graffin does an awesome performance on the album. "If you think you have reached the top of the world. Just look all around and you'll see."

The album is great. Buy it.

Steve Pimps Acupuncture, Part II

An amazing song called, Miracle Drug, by U2

I had an interesting experience this morning so I thought I'd come out and write about it. I had a visit early with the pain psychologist and then another acupuncture session right after. What I have been doing with the pain psychologist is work on biofeedback. What it basically is, is a computer thing that attachs to your body and you tell yourself to relax. This little graph line moves up or down depending how well you do. Each session gets you to new levels. I am doing well at the Hard difficulty level but I have not nailed it yet. Interesting thing after the session is what he talked about. He had a discussion with the pain doctor and basically told me, they don't know what is wrong. Normally with this much time, they can pin point the pain I am feeling. Right now, they have no idea but to keep trying the relaxation stuff.

In the above song at around 3 minutes, the Edge comes in and sings this verse:

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

Later I went to another acupuncture session and I basically did the same relaxation thing, but this time with pins and needles stuck in my neck, face and hands. I was worried because after the last session, I got a real stiff neck and yesterday I had a huge migraine headache, like the type I had when I started this blog back in November of 2004. (Yeah I started a blog over headaches) Today's session of acupuncture was relaxing and my sore neck and shoulder are gone this morning. I get to go back on Friday.

I was laying in bed though the another night when the song Miracle Drug came up on my iPod. I had heard the song many times but for some reason, at 2 in the morning, I got totally absorbed into the song. The words sort of struck a chord with me, (Key of A actually, which the song I believe is in, though I haven't checked with a guitar yet). I was listening to these words though, and I wanted to know desperately what the song was about. That and I heard 3 distinct voices instead of just Bono's. That verse above though stuck way out. I knew it wasn't Bono singing it and I later found it was the Edge. (Yes I am going somewhere with this). But the thing is... those words:

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

Brings a tear to my eye thinking about this. The din is basically distorted loud noise. I think we as people have "noisy" lives. We live in chaos really, between work, family, paying bills, planning your life out, achieving goals and all that good stuff. Under all that, and I thought about these words in the acupuncturist's chair, I wondered, "What is the voice I am hearing? Is there a voice? And is it only a whisper?" Only a whisper? What am I thinking... I think the voice is loud and clear. I need to treat myself better, whatever that means... My life is entirely filled with happiness and joy and utter success, which I am not at liberty to talk about in detail but I really am the best at what I do. Yet with all that, that whisper is a shriek and it's the real cause of my chronic pain. It's telling me something and I think today I figured that part out. But what? What is it?

I did feel like a stranger when I initially went to that pain clinic last year. I still do sometimes. Maybe because when I am there I see people that feel real pain. People with chronic health issues in wheel chairs and 40 to 50 years older than me. Their pain is real...

Is mine?

(What the song is actually about, fascinating!!!)

Needles and Pins

Great cover song by the Ramones, called "Needles and Pins" and that is all I can think about this week.

This is me:

Yesterday... Dentist. Repairs old filling. Has to shoot me twice because the first novacaine ain't biting.

Next Monday, steroid injections right into the base of my spine. Supposedly this will help my lower back to help me walk better, with out that limp. Hey, I can run and jump and climb and lift just about anything right now but walking without a limp sometimes can't be done. Hopefully these will rid the pain in my lower back and leg.

Also beginning next week: Acupuncture. Six sessions with a lady from China sticking needles and pins up and down my neck and down my arms. Woo hoo!! Fun. I get to go six times too!! If the first one doesn't work I get to keep going...

Had three sessions since before the holidays with the pain psychologist. This guy is cool. I get to clip this thing onto my ear and sit for 20 minutes while I try to relax. The screen beeps green when you start going along, but keeping it green is the hard part. I sat in red for a couple of minutes until I got the thing moving. All this from this tiny plastic clip on my ear lobe.

I hope to bring a camera for the acupuncture. For some reason I want a picture of me laying on the table with all those needles in my back.

Maybe after all this crap, I can get a tatoo.