Been Awhile...

Scarlett is now 7 months old, working on 8. Has a double ear infection which sucks.

Remember back when I say I was out of pain? It all came back with a vengeance the past week and a half. Hard to stand some days and work in my big yard. Which I did anyway. Pain sucks!

I logged in to blog because eventually I will start writing more again. But for now, I just don't want some hacker taking over my page. I could write tomorrow.

I am off the next 10 days. Maybe I will post photos from my iPhone or something along the way. I need the 10 days off. It will be good. Probably finish painting and find a real doctor that can help out.

What do you think?

Bitter Tears

Along with pain, I get mood swings. It is a big cycle and it occurs when I least expect it.

So the past 24 hours I have been down. I feel like I am suffocating and can't breathe. I do not want to do shit for work or anything else. Maybe it is the pain syndrome I deal with or maybe I am genetically predispositioned for a bit of depression from time to time. Not everyone can carry the weight of the world.

I hate this. Funny thing is I can stand back and look at this saying, "It is just a cycle, you will come out of it." It's stupid to look at one's mental health this way. I look for alternative things to do. I actually think about leaving home to other places so I can just change the scenery to get stuff done. Right now, I am thinking of heading to Starbucks to get some projects done for work. I bet if I got out of here I can get more productive.

I look down at the floor and see Elijah's jeep. He is back home for the next week. I guess that is mostly why I am so down. I see his toys and they just sit without moving.

It kinda sucks.

Oww!!!!

I did something both stupid yet, memorable yesterday. I took Elijah sledding. Totally awesome. He loved going down the hills in my arms while he and I slid full speed down the hill bumping our away through little jumps on the packed powder. It was awesome. One of my best days with Elijah.

Then comes today. I am doubled over on the ground in massive pain in my back. Hurts real bad. I never should have run down the hills like I did and I am paying for it today. But it was so much fun and Elijah enjoyed himself.

Makes it hard playing with him all day. I finally got him to sit down instead of jumping up and down on Daddy's back while I call the doctor for help. And that is another story... I cannot wait until Friday because I get a new doctor and new insurance that day. I will have more freedoms to find my cause of "the other pains" I feel. Funny talking to the advise nurse though on the phone.

"Where is your pain?"

"Um... middle of my back between my shoulder blades.."

"So your upper back?"

"No middle back... at least that is what I call it..."

"Do you have any numbness in your left leg or arm?"

"Yeah...."

"Do you have shortness of breath?" She says urgently...

"No..."

"Good... so did the numbness start with this pain?"

"No..."

"When did it start...?"

"Um... Almost three years ago."

"Are you taking medication?"

"Um... yeah..."

"What kinds?"

Apparently not the good stuff because the shit ain't working...

"Um... Motrin... yeah"

"How many did you take for your back?"

"Um... like a few hundred or so..."

"AT ONE TIME?!?!!?"

"Um... no... 4 200mg today.., I have taken hundreds for pain over the past few years..."

"How long has your back hurt?"

"3 years... but like this, um... two days... It is a different pain..."

"What else do you take?"

"Lot's of stuff... why? Aren't you the doctor's office, don't you have records of this stuff"

It's like this every time I call the doctor. Because I have regular pain with no real or defined cause, I have to give like a life history of what I have done. And along the way, they think you have had a heart attack or suffered a stroke or are a med junkie or what ever.

They won't see me today so I get to suffer. At least this pain is so bad that it overrides the pain in my arm and leg.

I should change the title of this blog to 35 and dying.

Elijah and I are snuggled on the couch watching Elmo in Grouchland. Elijah impressed me today. I should him the name Elmo on the CD without saying it was Elmo and he was able to sort of sound it out. I said, what is this? And he read each letter. And I asked who's name? And he goes... ELMO!!

I was hoping that we could get haircuts together today but maybe tomorrow...

Turn for the Worst... Almost

And hopefully temporary...

As you know if you have been reading this blog the past 4 years I deal with a lot of freaking chronic pain that no one can figure out which has radically changed my life since 2004.  (Radically...?  Not... just a few things. :))  I don't golf really anymore but that is more of time issue than a pain thing but I hurt like hell swinging a golf club.

I still suck down copious amounts of pain meds, anti-anxiety meds and anti-hyperactivity meds too because I am all wound up over work, life and worry.

Still think it is a disease that is taking over my body and I hope to find it soon in the new year because dammit, I would like to know so I can get relief even if it is just knowing what it is and it didn't have a cure.

Despite everything, I still look ahead, think about growing up, jam on my guitars and now trombone and baritone horn again because I am in a place by myself where I can drag all that shit out and blast away to my hearts content.

Playing trombone again of all things is giving me relief even if I only have the embouchure for 15-20 minutes of blowing on it.  It is funny, because I never took a lesson on a trombone.  Tuba, Baritone, and trumpet... yeah... for years I took lessons.  Trombone?  No one said... this is where 2nd position is or this note goes there, etc.  I learned it by getting a book out, my ear, and by monkeying through.  Good enough to pick up once in a while.  The sound down in there...  down in my gut is still there... and why I played these brass instruments through high school and college.  I was just better than my peers at music.  I did not have natural talent...  I just stayed at it and stayed a very technical player.  The emotion in playing, singing and other stuff I do has come years later.  This week I learned Sound of Silence and Mrs. Robinson on my guitar just to be able to do it.  Playing it in my key and mostly by ear.  Music has been my relief...

But the turn for the worst...  I have been in more pain the past two weeks than I have the past three years.  It's in my neck, arm, wrist and now knee.  My knee hurts like it did when I was 14 and screwed it up wall riding on my skateboard years back and had to have it drained.  I couldn't run for a while with it because it hurt so bad.  Now it is back along with the rest of the shit.  A little swollen.  All of this pain is on the left side of my body.  Also have tingling on the left side of my head once in a while... a few times a week.

I switched medical carriers and starting the 1st I can get a new doctor finally and have options open to trying other things like the UC doctors or Stanford.  So I can't wait... I need to lick this thing.  Or at least know what it is to get the right medication.  I fear it is MS... But MS, I am ready to accept...  Because I would at least know...  Pain is not a good thing to live with especially at 35... which I am next Thursday.

Pain

You wonder at this point what is the right step...

I have been carrying on four plus years with daily pain. The last two and a half with constant, chronic, pain through out my left side of my body. It'll cause me to limp like a troll, force off my guitar and make my golf game look shittier than it already is. It's hard to drive the 914, shifting gears and reaching out for the clutch. It's harder to drive period for long distances without some freaky pain in my arm.

Last week I woke up and my entire left arm was numb. I should tell you, this happens almost every day. Sometimes it's both arms. Sometimes it is my left arm and left leg. But last Thursday was a little different. Normally I wake up and just shake out the pain. By the time I reach the shower it is all gone.

But Friday was different. By the time I got into the shower, I was still numb. I remember pressing my hands against the cool shower wall and only feeling it with my left hand. I walked downstairs to find my hat and keys for my daily coffee ride. Still numb. I drove 10 minutes to Peet's Coffee... Still numb...

I left and came back... I had been up for an hour. Still numb.

The numbness never left my arm, it was crazy. I decided to make a call to the neurologist and report what was happening and basically get an appointment as soon as possible. I got one alright for tomorrow...

I sat numb all day in my left arm and hand until 4pm. That is when it finally just went away. Now I am stuck with this constant pain in my arm that no pain pill seems to numb. Self control is tough but I am hanging in there. I know if popped an extra pill I'd feel a bit better for a short time... But I won't. I stick with the prescribed limits on the bottle. I dare not become an addict. I don't even drink wine or beer much anymore. I am taking four different medications now. Vicodin for the stabbing pain that does go away. Tegetrol for attacking the pain in my nerves... Elavil to sleep as needed. And Celexa to reduce anxiety and depression. I have been with a psychologist the last 8 weeks.

Fucking eh... I am the bomb... literally.

So tomorrow, I get to point it all out... all the pain and how I feel that day and what went numb. Four years, no answers... two and a half really, really hard years enduring pain..

So I go back tomorrow for the next visit.

I wonder if he solved his plumbing problem with my suggestion?

Steve's 600th Post Extravaganza

Yay... I have been doing this blog thing nearly 4 years now. Well... over 3 1/2. Started over me bitching about some headaches.

I just trimmed all the plants in the front yard and the back yard and made my big pile in the street like everyone else does down the street on the weekends. Left hand and arm is shaking like crazy while I am typing this. What the hell? I don't know what it is to this day why I have been hurting and in pain so much. All started after that wicked concussion I had in 2002 but every doctor says it is unrelated. I guess they are right with all those MRI's and spinal tap. What 3 MRI's... 2 Cat Scans.

Some days I would like to forget pain and for parts of the day, I can. It could be when I am out driving the Porsche, playing with Elijah or just simply going for a walk.

Hmmm... I'll change the subject... all of you regulars I see on my statcounter that visit each week know about this stuff anyway. I had some dude come from Iran the other day. I am banned in China but not Iran. Righteous!

When I was in college I had to take choir to get my degree. It was kind of interesting. I wasn't singer at all. I couldn't do much with it. And I was shy about it. So getting up and belting it out wasn't easy for me. But I needed to do it to complete my degree in music. So I grew the balls and went for my tryout. There were two choirs. The good one with all the opera types and the one where they put the rest of the crap. I, of course, went for the rest the of the crap. And of course, I made it. I sat with the bass singers when I was probably a baritone at best. Lowest note I can hit on a good day was a #g (g sharp) when I was really required to get to the d below that. But fuck it...

So my first year was a great experience. We did the Ave Maria for the holidays. But was cool is was that we did it as a historical thing. We started way back in Gregorian Chant... all the way through to like Mozart style stuff. And we also got to perform with Dave Brubeck which was quite cool. I had such a great time that year, hiding in the back of the choir, I said fuck it, and reloaded for my senior for a second tour.

This year our small little school with like a 100 students took on something big and pulled it off. Beethoven's 9th. We rocked the house. I was so lucky to be part of something like that. I could not believe the hours we put in to pull that off. We merged the two choirs and had the full symphony at the school. It involved all but like 5 or 6 students in the school and if I hadn't of signed up, I would have never have done it. I would have been one of those out casts. All the German diction we had to do. I had taken a lot of German so it was easy but man... Singing Beethoven's greatest piece of music... if not the greatest piece of music ever was just awesome. We performed it I think 3 times that year. It was a blast.

How To Wear Yourself Out...

Above is a slide show of my current trip to Carmel so far.

I got down here yesterday. Almost all of the pictures except for the Spy Glass Clock are from yesterday.

Carmel, to me, is probably what heaven is going to look like if I get there. Pleasant weather. A candy store with 40 types or so of Licorice and a German restaurant that serves sauerbraten. I ate in excess last night at that place... let me tell you.

The beach is full of kids having fun, adults being laid back and a lot of dogs running around. I think I spotted a couple of dudes tucked away in a cove having their "first kiss". It seemed to me that they were hiding for a reason.

I walked all the way up and down the Carmel Beach sneaking as close to Pebble Beach Golf Course's 9th fairway as I could. I got way up near the out of bounce line and took photos. Probably the closest I will ever get with cost running up around $500 to play there. I am amazed at how blue the water is.

When walking back, I had some mild entertainment watching some kids. This girl, probably on a dare since the water is probably in the 50's, ran in to it with her bikini. It was kind of interesting.

I met a lady practicing yoga. She was meditating a bit and was alert enough to shout hi and wave at me. I thought about how peaceful it was for her.

I am thinking about heading down the beach again this afternoon. It seemed so peaceful and I briefly experienced no pain for that two hour walk. Something amazing to me and that blue water seemed so serene lapping back and forth on the coast.

Today, I went through 17 mile drive. I am not in pain as much today but I cannot get moving easily. My legs are dead. I am not sore, just very fatigued. Like I have walked 10 miles or so when I haven't.

My first stop was at Pebble Beach Golf Course. I like to live vicariously through those that can actually afford to play there. Pebble Beach is located within 17 Mile Drive. 17 Mile Drive is a public road that costs $9.25 to drive through. Pebble Beach is like a mini city. It has clothing shops and food for the tourists in a small area in the Lodge and around it. You also can walk out and take pics of the 18th hole which I did. There is a couple of banks, a grocery store... a gas station... There is a 9-hole which only costs $20 bucks which I may play tomorrow to say I played Pebble Beach.

I drove a little further to the Ghost Tree and the end of Carmel Bay. There were these rocks passed the "Do not cross this fence or you will die" markers. This two kids were out there. And this boy climbed passed me... he is like 11 or something. His sister is like, "Don't go out there! It's not safe" in this lovely British accent. He is all, that man is out here. She is all... "But he's a grown up!" I finally go... Yes, I am a very stupid grown up. Do not do as I do. I ask the little girl where she is from. She is from Nottingham England, like Robinhood. I reminded her that Robinhood was make believe and that she was real. She didn't get it. Asked if I had ever been to England. I told her where I had been, finishing with Liverpool. She asked if I was for Liverpool or another team. I was kind of shocked that she asked. I told her Americans followed Soccer like the Brits followed Baseball.

Anyhow... I drove along the beach stopping at various places and had lunch at the Spyglass Golf Course Grill. This is another course, after playing it on Xbox I would love to play. Looks so challenging and hard. I stared down the 9th fairway. It is amazing how steep it is. I took a few more shots and headed out around back to Carmel.

Such a fun place. I had a drink in a bar formerly owned by Clint Eastwood. He was mayor here in the 80's. What a job! This town is full of old people who have probably been retired here for 20 years. What an amazing place to retire. The young people working the coffee shops have the life. It is totally laid back without pressure. A bit more traffic than I like but I like it a lot down here.

Lack Of Words.

Had some dry spells in posting lately. I wonder what it is. I can't seem to say what I want. Can't always feel the way I want.

Just there...

MRI, New Pills, Etc...

I saw my neurologist this morning. Should have been a dermatologist with the out of control zit on my nose that I got last night. Must be stress...

Anyhow, confirmed my fears. My left side is noticeably weaker than my right. This causes me to limp when fatigued and is hampering my pinky finger notes on my guitar. So no Norwegian Wood right now on the guitar...

I got a new bottle of pills and they fast tracked me to get an MRI tomorrow. So at 11 AM it will be, "Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang.... Bong, Bong Bong Bong.... Beep Beep Beep Beep" ringing through my head as I am in the tube.

Should be a blast, it's my third one.

The Zen of Porsche Driving

Elijah is sick again... I get to watch him tomorrow. He has an ear infection again... No seizure this time. I took a break today and went for a drive.

I fired up the 914 and cruised the foothills.

I started out going into Ione. I went by the old Rancho Seco "nucular" power plant. It is kind of crazy because there are all these vineyards out there now and I'd be scared to drink wine from those grapes. It was fun though humming along in the Porsche. I kept the top on and I just listened to the sound of the wind blowing through the window. I passed a bright green 914 in Ione. I waved at the guy I thought might have been the owner. He sure gawked and mine. It is really bright with the orange roof on versus when it is off.

Once I got through Ione, I turned up 88 and headed into Jackson. Not the Jackson from the Johnny Cash song but the gold rush town in Amador County. I have always had a strong attraction to Ione and Jackson. For example, I remember going to Ione on vacation when I was three and I got new shoes because my old ones got muddy. I remember them vividly because they had stop and go on them and one was red and the other was green. I was 3 when I got those. Jackson has different memories. Again on vacation from the bay area, we'd go to Jackson while camping to do laundry or get donuts or site see or whatever. It was fun coming into down. They still have an active gold mine and all that going on. I have other memories of Jackson too. It was the place you went to hang out at in high school. My family liked vacationing so much up there, we moved there 20 years ago to the lake down the road where we vacationed.

I stopped, regrettably at Taco Bell for lunch. It's been kicking my ass ever since. I ate my food staring at the only car wash in town. I was wondering why they were not open on such a beautiful Sunday. You'd think it would be a popular day to be open (like the 2nd or 3rd best of the week... not that I know anything about car washing).

Once I finished I trekked up 49 through Mokolumne Hill. That road is a blast in the 914. I zoomed over the river for the turny road up to the top of the hill. Then I blasted through the historic district of Moke Hill. 10,000 people lived in the town 140 years ago. Maybe 700 or so there now. They struck gold there and mined it out back in the 1860's or something like that. It was a rough place at one time too. They had a very diverse group of people living there... Indians, the Chinese, Mexicans and white bread Americans all fighting for the gold. I wanted to stop for a beer but the Taco Bell was wreaking havoc on me.

Once at the top I headed down into San Andreas, the town where I went to high school. It's funny a town named San Andreas and the San Andreas Fault is 100 or so miles west in the bay area. There ain't much to the town either except that is where Elijah was taken for his last seizure and some drug store that seems to be popular around the area. High school was fun. I liked the history of the area a lot. It was a cool place to grow up.

So I headed out the back of town down Dogtown Rd. I hadn't been down the road in years until a few weeks back. This time I had the right car. The 914 hugged this road tight. I never went over 50 miles per hour once but even that was a bit fast!! When I came through Calaveritas I heard a pop. My engine lid on the 914 blew open on me. I had to pull off and refasten it. It was fun... when I stopped, all these cows came running at me and they stopped at the fence line. It nearly freaked me out. The majority of Dogtown is a narrow one lane road. It was a fun ride hugging all those corners and squealing the tires and slamming on the brakes. But the pavement was way too uneven for my suspension. I bounced all over the place for 11 miles. Once I got into Angels Camp, I stopped for a break at Starbucks.

I felt better at Starbucks. I got some relief there. I had a little cappuccino and a bottle of water. I had a little biker group stop and ask me about the car. That was kind of cool. I mostly sat there checking the college basketball scores on my iPod. I drove into downtown because one of the biker people told me they saw a bunch of Porsches earlier. I didn't find any so I turned around and headed back down to my parents. Highway 49 is fun in that car.

Overall I had a great time, not thinking about anything. I didn't think much of the pain. I had such an unusual time last week with the pain, hardly being able to walk. Today I felt fine... I felt normal as normal could be. My shoulder is killing me but that is probably from driving. The road seems to calm my nerves and helps me think clearly. I got a busy couple of weeks here so I just needed a little break.

I had filled up before I left and I refilled the car once I got down to Valley Springs. I drove 115 miles and took 4.3 gallons. Not bad for a souped up 35 year old car and all the hard driving I did. About 27 miles to the gallon there. Not bad at 4 bucks which is now the price for super unleaded in California. I have to buy it for the 914 and the Cayenne. I buy super for the 914 because engine burns cooler. In the summer I run octane booster too with that. If not I don't I seem to have more vapor locks with that hot engine. Didn't burn any oil which was really cool this trip.

I like turtles.


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Pain, Pain, Pain... and More Pain...

I swear Kaiser is turning me into a Vicodin addict.

WTF? I just got back from the real OC on a trip. I some how managed to cover all I needed, avoiding most of the insane traffic So Cal has. It was tough. This pain shit is getting old fast.

Here are some of the pain highlights:

1. Pulling my suitcase through the airport. I like never check bags on short trips because I want to save time and I don't have much more than a lap top and a small suitcase. I drag my suitcase through the airports with ease. I got out of my rental car today, ripped my suitcase out and started to walk and literally took three steps and I just felt this flash of numbness combined with sharp pain from my finger tips to my shoulder and I lost my grip with my left hand.
2. Sitting on the plane. There were like 50 people on the plane so I basically had a row to myself. I crossed my arms to relax after drinking my soda and I could feel this real sharp pain in my left forearm and wrist. It freaking killed. I felt like I wanted to cry for a second and then it ended like nothing ever happened.
3. Yesterday after driving to San Diego and back from the OC, I got out of the car, took two steps and my left leg gave way. I just stumbled and picked myself up. The funny thing, today after my arm going numb... I switched the suitcase to my right hand and was able to run full speed for my gate. No limp and about as nimble and as fast as I could run when I was 18. WTF?
4. I woke up flat on my back and both arms are numb the past two nights. And then it just goes away.
5. When I finally got home this evening, my left knee felt like someone hit my knee cap with a crow bar and tried to pry it off. Everything hurt and I have this mysterious itchy feeling in my back and feet.

This shit's gotta stop. Driving me up the wall!!!