Steve Tries Something New

Steve Plays Lennon on his guitar...

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One More Hill

Greg Graffin from Bad Religion

It's a cheesy video, but the only one I could find with this song

I think about myself and my own situation. I struggle. I struggle with living a life to its fullest. The way you live is mostly in your control and the rest is dumb luck. When you are a kid you have aspirations. Who doesn't have desire to be a great person? I, at one time, had strong desire to be a successful musician. The desire came when I was 14 years old. I don't know why. Maybe it was the struggles of adolescence or moving to a new place and having to adapt. Something hit me at that age and I just worked at it every. I picked up a brass horn and played it 2 hours a day. I learned. I studied. I worked on rhythm. I shaped myself into something pretty good by 16 and great by 18. I just played and played until I was good enough to be in the California State Honor Band and get a scholarship to college for it. I wasn't necessarily book smart but I made the grades and became something. And then I went to LA to make it with music either as a performer or the business guy behind it. To be that top guy some where. And it all came crashing down in 7 short months. I was 23. The music in me that I grew kind of died. All that energy I amassed in 9 years sort of left and I fell into the comfort position of the job I have now. That was 10 years ago.

I sort of made the discovery the past week that this whole pain thing I am dealing with is possibly psychological. (Teeny is going DUH!!) I believe now that I am making myself hurt. I have hurt for the better part of 5 years. Ever since that concussion in 2002. All those headaches. Even back to my very first post, 472 posts ago. I am not getting better. Drugs aren't making me better. All that acupuncture bullshit I put myself through. The shots in the spine. The MRI's, the Spinal Taps and the physical therapy. I am coming to the realization that it is all bullshit. It's probably some deep seated depression I just need to get the fuck over.

I am going to be 34 in 28 days. I need to somehow go find that guy I was at 23 and wake his shit up. What the hell was I doing? I did everything and anything I wanted from the time I was 14 until I was 23 out of sheer drive. That and I just didn't see to care about the consequences of failure because that was not an option. I don't feel that drive. I am more or less watching the wheels go around. I need to step into a cold shower after a late night of partying. I don't necessarily need the music thing back... I just need the energy I felt being on top of my little world. When I walked out of college I was unstoppable. Naive as all hell yes... but unstoppable. I think getting that energy back will bring back to keep climbing one more hill.

One More Hill is one of my favorite song and Greg Graffin does an awesome performance on the album. "If you think you have reached the top of the world. Just look all around and you'll see."

The album is great. Buy it.

Thank You: For The Betterment Of Mankind, I Continue To Write...

I now write like a three year old.

I just realized, a few dayss late, that I have been blogging for three years. I started in 2004 right after the election because that whole week I kept hearing on local talk radio about blogs and bloggers.

I think I started off kind of lame. Not knowing what to write about. Trying this approach and that approach and worrying about if people would start reading or not. I tried figuring out how to promote it and what to do. I'd always be looking at the stat counter just to see if there was anybody. I'd see one reader or two readers and realize that they came here on accident or just after I posted something because a lot of bloggers just click "next blog" on top of any Blogger blog like this one. (anything blogspot.com is part of Blogger).

Then I gave up worrying about who was coming and started just writing whatever I wanted too. Sure I have a few family members and friends that read and respond but ultimately people keep coming and keep reading. A lot of people do not comment and that is okay. At least I know they are reading almost everyday a little bit of me feels better that they do bookmark me and keep on reading.

So I guess what I am saying is 'Thanks' to everyone. It means a lot that people come and read. I hope I am entertaining, inciteful and don't annoy you too much. Afterall, it's just one man's opinion.

I feel everyday and every post I write, someone new reads it and keeps coming back. It's interesting that someone would pick up someone's journal and keep it reading it despite my lack of proficiency in good grammar.

And to the handful of people that come each week because they bought an IKEA faucet that is a bitch to install, I hope I have helped you on your way. My way still hasn't leaked and it has been well over a year. IKEA is a truly incredible store and has saved my wife and I lots of money. They just need to remember they are selling stuff in America.

And for those who come by this time of year and wonder about those who are born on Christmas, it truly does suck but it is much better as you get older. The pandering never ceases but at least people recognize you for it.

And why I am in the top 10 for the phrase, "Who crawled up your ass and died?" has got me. Of course, earlier this week I was getting hits for 'Glenn Close getting F*cked' and I have no idea why that happens.