Post #725

Yeah... it's been 6 weeks since my last post and I should really get back to this blogging thing.

What gets me tonight is a startling revelation: Something changed.

I gave up any and all pain medication about 10 weeks ago (Except of course Tylenol or Motrin which seems to help a little at night).

I just freaking stopped. Or if prescriptions ran out... I just didn't refill them. I just quit. I was tired. Done.

Where am I at?

I hurt like a son of a bitch, yet feel sort of empowered but in an almost remorseful way. Like I feel an episode ended, I don't know what really happened and well... something changed.

How did I come up with this one?

Well... I was playing my guitar the other night and staring at my daughter Scarlett. Reactions from her and my guitar playing seem different and new. And I saw something in my playing I hadn't seen in probably 16 years; I saw invincible enjoyment. Like hey, "I am doing something and you fuckers can't take it away from me."

I have wandered a lot the past 3 or 4 years. I get pure enjoyment from finding something that makes my ass laugh senseless but I do so in my own private way by myself. I love staring out at the oak tree that is on my property that I bought recently. It's all gnarly, crooked and old and probably one of the most ugly things you have ever seen but I feel like I see past it and it is usually the sky that I see. The leaves some comeback on it in a few weeks now so I wonder...

So what are you saying?

Perhaps I finally see the dawn of a new day on the horizon. Perhaps I was or am sick and crazy with some ailment but my body is teaching me how to deal with it. Or have I come up for air and now want to stick my head out and enjoy the sunshine...

I don't know.

I painted my dining room this weekend. It is weird moving into a new place. The look of it is never yours no matter how you fill it with your things from your past life. It is a different place. But putting a new coat of paint, simple just changes the game or the mood or the ambiance or perhaps where you are at in your mind.

I've got a tough road ahead of me still.

There are now 5 individuals counting on me on a daily basis. I aim to be there but sometimes I just miss. I have important roles with each one of them and I need to balance. I also need to spend a couple of hours a week killing computer images on my XBox. Along with getting a decent amount of practice time.

My iPod has been shut off for 4 months.

I packed my apple computer in November and have yet to unpack it. I need a new one but all my music is on it. I have not bought a new piece of music since November. Probably the longest period in my life I have not bought music. I want the new Johnny Cash album, American Recordings: VI. I got some catching up to do... but I am making my own music too. Recalling a song I heard on the radio. We have XM in the Jetta and it is awesome.

My garage is a mess.

I love cars a lot. And I want another one. I need a kid hauler. We need to take four kids out somewhere for fun once in a while. And that's just it, once in a while. But I cannot and will not do it in a mini van. It's gotta be big or it's gotta be able to haul other shit... like a trip to Ikea or gravel.

My new neighbor annoys the shit out of me.

I can't stand this mother fucker. He likes to physically show me where the property line is with strings, stakes, utility markers... All kinds of SHIT. Let's think about this:

We live in the country and we have 1/3 acre to 1/2 acre parcels. Okay, that is a big piece of residential land yes, but the neighborhood is built like your standard cookie cutter suburb. We just have deer and snakes prancing around. And the soil is so GOD Damned hard most people just use rocks.

Between my house and the neighbors house is basically a sharp ravine. My property ends midway down the ravine and this fucker owns the rest of it.

I put my mailbox about 4 inches too far on his side. I shit you not I got pics. And it was a fucking accident.

Instead of telling me to move the box, he gets his Tommy Junior Surveyors kit or what have you and goes exploring for the property markers. And then has the utilities paint all these markers.

And shit... there are no sidewalks and technically where I put the box is not under our control anyway.

So... This jack ass never specifically tells me why he is drawing the lines either. He actually never asks me to move the box. He just sat out there like a jack ass "showing me the line".

I actually had to call him an idiot.

Where was I going with this?

I am still the same angry white dude...(lol) but man, I sure feel different lately. I cannot put my finger on it.

Oww!!!!

I did something both stupid yet, memorable yesterday. I took Elijah sledding. Totally awesome. He loved going down the hills in my arms while he and I slid full speed down the hill bumping our away through little jumps on the packed powder. It was awesome. One of my best days with Elijah.

Then comes today. I am doubled over on the ground in massive pain in my back. Hurts real bad. I never should have run down the hills like I did and I am paying for it today. But it was so much fun and Elijah enjoyed himself.

Makes it hard playing with him all day. I finally got him to sit down instead of jumping up and down on Daddy's back while I call the doctor for help. And that is another story... I cannot wait until Friday because I get a new doctor and new insurance that day. I will have more freedoms to find my cause of "the other pains" I feel. Funny talking to the advise nurse though on the phone.

"Where is your pain?"

"Um... middle of my back between my shoulder blades.."

"So your upper back?"

"No middle back... at least that is what I call it..."

"Do you have any numbness in your left leg or arm?"

"Yeah...."

"Do you have shortness of breath?" She says urgently...

"No..."

"Good... so did the numbness start with this pain?"

"No..."

"When did it start...?"

"Um... Almost three years ago."

"Are you taking medication?"

"Um... yeah..."

"What kinds?"

Apparently not the good stuff because the shit ain't working...

"Um... Motrin... yeah"

"How many did you take for your back?"

"Um... like a few hundred or so..."

"AT ONE TIME?!?!!?"

"Um... no... 4 200mg today.., I have taken hundreds for pain over the past few years..."

"How long has your back hurt?"

"3 years... but like this, um... two days... It is a different pain..."

"What else do you take?"

"Lot's of stuff... why? Aren't you the doctor's office, don't you have records of this stuff"

It's like this every time I call the doctor. Because I have regular pain with no real or defined cause, I have to give like a life history of what I have done. And along the way, they think you have had a heart attack or suffered a stroke or are a med junkie or what ever.

They won't see me today so I get to suffer. At least this pain is so bad that it overrides the pain in my arm and leg.

I should change the title of this blog to 35 and dying.

Elijah and I are snuggled on the couch watching Elmo in Grouchland. Elijah impressed me today. I should him the name Elmo on the CD without saying it was Elmo and he was able to sort of sound it out. I said, what is this? And he read each letter. And I asked who's name? And he goes... ELMO!!

I was hoping that we could get haircuts together today but maybe tomorrow...

Pain

You wonder at this point what is the right step...

I have been carrying on four plus years with daily pain. The last two and a half with constant, chronic, pain through out my left side of my body. It'll cause me to limp like a troll, force off my guitar and make my golf game look shittier than it already is. It's hard to drive the 914, shifting gears and reaching out for the clutch. It's harder to drive period for long distances without some freaky pain in my arm.

Last week I woke up and my entire left arm was numb. I should tell you, this happens almost every day. Sometimes it's both arms. Sometimes it is my left arm and left leg. But last Thursday was a little different. Normally I wake up and just shake out the pain. By the time I reach the shower it is all gone.

But Friday was different. By the time I got into the shower, I was still numb. I remember pressing my hands against the cool shower wall and only feeling it with my left hand. I walked downstairs to find my hat and keys for my daily coffee ride. Still numb. I drove 10 minutes to Peet's Coffee... Still numb...

I left and came back... I had been up for an hour. Still numb.

The numbness never left my arm, it was crazy. I decided to make a call to the neurologist and report what was happening and basically get an appointment as soon as possible. I got one alright for tomorrow...

I sat numb all day in my left arm and hand until 4pm. That is when it finally just went away. Now I am stuck with this constant pain in my arm that no pain pill seems to numb. Self control is tough but I am hanging in there. I know if popped an extra pill I'd feel a bit better for a short time... But I won't. I stick with the prescribed limits on the bottle. I dare not become an addict. I don't even drink wine or beer much anymore. I am taking four different medications now. Vicodin for the stabbing pain that does go away. Tegetrol for attacking the pain in my nerves... Elavil to sleep as needed. And Celexa to reduce anxiety and depression. I have been with a psychologist the last 8 weeks.

Fucking eh... I am the bomb... literally.

So tomorrow, I get to point it all out... all the pain and how I feel that day and what went numb. Four years, no answers... two and a half really, really hard years enduring pain..

So I go back tomorrow for the next visit.

I wonder if he solved his plumbing problem with my suggestion?

Lack Of Words.

Had some dry spells in posting lately. I wonder what it is. I can't seem to say what I want. Can't always feel the way I want.

Just there...

For Some Reason, I Don't Exactly Feel Better

I got the preliminary results back on my MRI I had last Thursday and it came back normal. Hmmm.... So now what?

The pain doesn't just suddenly go away now.

Pain, Pain, Pain... and More Pain...

I swear Kaiser is turning me into a Vicodin addict.

WTF? I just got back from the real OC on a trip. I some how managed to cover all I needed, avoiding most of the insane traffic So Cal has. It was tough. This pain shit is getting old fast.

Here are some of the pain highlights:

1. Pulling my suitcase through the airport. I like never check bags on short trips because I want to save time and I don't have much more than a lap top and a small suitcase. I drag my suitcase through the airports with ease. I got out of my rental car today, ripped my suitcase out and started to walk and literally took three steps and I just felt this flash of numbness combined with sharp pain from my finger tips to my shoulder and I lost my grip with my left hand.
2. Sitting on the plane. There were like 50 people on the plane so I basically had a row to myself. I crossed my arms to relax after drinking my soda and I could feel this real sharp pain in my left forearm and wrist. It freaking killed. I felt like I wanted to cry for a second and then it ended like nothing ever happened.
3. Yesterday after driving to San Diego and back from the OC, I got out of the car, took two steps and my left leg gave way. I just stumbled and picked myself up. The funny thing, today after my arm going numb... I switched the suitcase to my right hand and was able to run full speed for my gate. No limp and about as nimble and as fast as I could run when I was 18. WTF?
4. I woke up flat on my back and both arms are numb the past two nights. And then it just goes away.
5. When I finally got home this evening, my left knee felt like someone hit my knee cap with a crow bar and tried to pry it off. Everything hurt and I have this mysterious itchy feeling in my back and feet.

This shit's gotta stop. Driving me up the wall!!!

Feel The Pain

Sucks...

Pain has been bad the last two nights... My ring finger stopped making chords on my guitar...

Sucks...

Steve Runs Out Of Gas....

Start Saturday... rise and head to Peet's for a Latte. go to SF. 85 miles, 1.5 hours (everything but Bakersfield is one and half hours from Sacramento but more on that later)

Saturday Evening... Ride 40 miles to and from in LimoVan to "a really unfathomably rich town" Drink copious amounts Wine and enjoyed my first 35 year old. Usually I get a lot of 8 year olds and 12 year olds but a 35 year old definitely had some experience on her. I thoroughly enjoyed it and would definitely go back to her for more. (I am talking about Scotch you sick bastards!)

Sunday Morning... Rise and go to Peet's for a Latte. Drive back to Sac stopping in Richmond for Tacos. (Total for weekend 250 Miles)

Monday morning... Get up at the butt crack of dawn, skip Latte because I am so freaking late to the airport I get through security at the same time my flight is bording and fly to Denver. (like 1000 miles) Proceed to drive around for a couple of hours (40 miles) then I went to Colorado Springs (75 miles, roughly)

Tuesday... Get up, stare at Pikes Peak while enjoying a Latte then drive to Pueblo. (40 Miles) Get grand tour of the Plains (50 miles, the shit is spread way out down there) then drive back to The Springs (40 miles) then to the airport there (seemed like 15 miles). Had Cappuccino and Flew home (1000 miles roughly. (2260 miles total) (15 of which seemed like going from Hwy 25 to the Colorado Springs Airport. -not including miles to and from airport her in Sac. )(like 12 each way)

Total for week at this point: 2510 miles

Wednesday... rise at butt crack of dawn and go Peet's for a Latte. Drive to all day meeting 20 miles. Volunteer to take people to airport 32 miles and then back home 12.

Total for week at this point: 2574 miles

Thursday... rise well past 8:30 AM... Say "fuck it" when thinking about driving to Bakersfield Thursday afternoon. Throw on holey jeans, fire up the 914, throw on the leather jacket and burn rubber around downtown Sac heading to Peet's. Debate taking the 914 to Bakersfield. Realize we didn't renew AAA cards. Pull 914 back into garage... Stare it's beauty and all the work I have left to do on it. Go upstairs and work on paperwork. Say "fuck it " again and decide to head to Bakersfield before the butt crack of dawn on Friday instead of Thursday. Miles traveled: About 5

Friday... Painfully rise at 4 AM in the middle of a dream that I wish I was still having, but can't remember... (It was dry) Hop into shower (10 feet) throw on suit pants, dress shirt, say "fuck it" to the tie, toss on the leather jacket and hop into the Copper Metal Box (A Jeep Liberty). Head to Bakersfield: (About 300 miles) First customer at Starbucks drive through in Lodi. See the butt crack of dawn rise outside of Merced. Arrive in Bakersfield at 9:30 AM. Have meeting, literally turn around and head back to Sacramento at 11. Arrive home at 4pm (immense traffic in Stockton and Lodi) Total traveled: 600 miles

Grand Total for Week: 3179 miles.

I have traveled farther during my trips but this one week seemed like such a killer. I have been going for 7 days straight.

Who the fuck has time for yoga?

One More Hill

Greg Graffin from Bad Religion

It's a cheesy video, but the only one I could find with this song

I think about myself and my own situation. I struggle. I struggle with living a life to its fullest. The way you live is mostly in your control and the rest is dumb luck. When you are a kid you have aspirations. Who doesn't have desire to be a great person? I, at one time, had strong desire to be a successful musician. The desire came when I was 14 years old. I don't know why. Maybe it was the struggles of adolescence or moving to a new place and having to adapt. Something hit me at that age and I just worked at it every. I picked up a brass horn and played it 2 hours a day. I learned. I studied. I worked on rhythm. I shaped myself into something pretty good by 16 and great by 18. I just played and played until I was good enough to be in the California State Honor Band and get a scholarship to college for it. I wasn't necessarily book smart but I made the grades and became something. And then I went to LA to make it with music either as a performer or the business guy behind it. To be that top guy some where. And it all came crashing down in 7 short months. I was 23. The music in me that I grew kind of died. All that energy I amassed in 9 years sort of left and I fell into the comfort position of the job I have now. That was 10 years ago.

I sort of made the discovery the past week that this whole pain thing I am dealing with is possibly psychological. (Teeny is going DUH!!) I believe now that I am making myself hurt. I have hurt for the better part of 5 years. Ever since that concussion in 2002. All those headaches. Even back to my very first post, 472 posts ago. I am not getting better. Drugs aren't making me better. All that acupuncture bullshit I put myself through. The shots in the spine. The MRI's, the Spinal Taps and the physical therapy. I am coming to the realization that it is all bullshit. It's probably some deep seated depression I just need to get the fuck over.

I am going to be 34 in 28 days. I need to somehow go find that guy I was at 23 and wake his shit up. What the hell was I doing? I did everything and anything I wanted from the time I was 14 until I was 23 out of sheer drive. That and I just didn't see to care about the consequences of failure because that was not an option. I don't feel that drive. I am more or less watching the wheels go around. I need to step into a cold shower after a late night of partying. I don't necessarily need the music thing back... I just need the energy I felt being on top of my little world. When I walked out of college I was unstoppable. Naive as all hell yes... but unstoppable. I think getting that energy back will bring back to keep climbing one more hill.

One More Hill is one of my favorite song and Greg Graffin does an awesome performance on the album. "If you think you have reached the top of the world. Just look all around and you'll see."

The album is great. Buy it.

Thank You: For The Betterment Of Mankind, I Continue To Write...

I now write like a three year old.

I just realized, a few dayss late, that I have been blogging for three years. I started in 2004 right after the election because that whole week I kept hearing on local talk radio about blogs and bloggers.

I think I started off kind of lame. Not knowing what to write about. Trying this approach and that approach and worrying about if people would start reading or not. I tried figuring out how to promote it and what to do. I'd always be looking at the stat counter just to see if there was anybody. I'd see one reader or two readers and realize that they came here on accident or just after I posted something because a lot of bloggers just click "next blog" on top of any Blogger blog like this one. (anything blogspot.com is part of Blogger).

Then I gave up worrying about who was coming and started just writing whatever I wanted too. Sure I have a few family members and friends that read and respond but ultimately people keep coming and keep reading. A lot of people do not comment and that is okay. At least I know they are reading almost everyday a little bit of me feels better that they do bookmark me and keep on reading.

So I guess what I am saying is 'Thanks' to everyone. It means a lot that people come and read. I hope I am entertaining, inciteful and don't annoy you too much. Afterall, it's just one man's opinion.

I feel everyday and every post I write, someone new reads it and keeps coming back. It's interesting that someone would pick up someone's journal and keep it reading it despite my lack of proficiency in good grammar.

And to the handful of people that come each week because they bought an IKEA faucet that is a bitch to install, I hope I have helped you on your way. My way still hasn't leaked and it has been well over a year. IKEA is a truly incredible store and has saved my wife and I lots of money. They just need to remember they are selling stuff in America.

And for those who come by this time of year and wonder about those who are born on Christmas, it truly does suck but it is much better as you get older. The pandering never ceases but at least people recognize you for it.

And why I am in the top 10 for the phrase, "Who crawled up your ass and died?" has got me. Of course, earlier this week I was getting hits for 'Glenn Close getting F*cked' and I have no idea why that happens.

Hey

Standing for 6 hours straight, 2 days in a row hurts... one more day.... Just one more day...

For your musical enjoyment...


Unknown Country Singer Has Amazing Voice - Watch more free videos

Disney Blitz in 3 Hours

The Statue of Walt standing proud like Lenin did in Red Square

Well... here's a little story, much like this guy's without the costumes, the puking and the hard foreign alcohol. Okay well, it involved hard foreign alcohol. (Amazing the similarities...though like metaphorical though)

As part of my last night of Disneyland and my vacation. Me and the two sister in laws went on run. A fast run... See, we were at the last restaurant of the mighty G-Family of Downtown Disney and the three of us were watching the clock. Elijah had it and DW was well off to bed. It was roughly 8:30PM. California Adventure closed at 9 and we wanted a run at the Tower of Terror. And then a run in the big park which did not close until 12:00 AM.

So the clock was ticking, I swigged the last of my margarita and we were off... To the hotel first to change some clothes and shoes...

Little Sis ran us fast through the park to the Tower which had a bit of a line. It only took 20 minutes though and we got the first spot as pictured below.:


Neat huh? We just had to show y'all. After Katie snapped the picture she was like, "This so has to go on your blog..."

At this point it is safe to say the margaritas kicked in because we were clamoring for a flask of something. And the contents of that flask could have been anything.

Here's us at the top of Tower of Terror (I am the drunk dude in green):





Pretty funny stuff...

Next we ran full speed out of the park and into Disneyland. At that time a parade was running so the lines were short (so we thought.) We found a group of girls maybe early 20's or late teens running for Thunder Mountain Railroad like we were. I don't know what happened or who started it (me) but it turned into a race to get there. And we're old except for Katie so we were like anchors beating these chicks out. Katie towed her sister and I through the park. It was funny because we were failing like pieces of paper and Katie had the direct path to the ride. We finally made it to the ride so we ran through the line. And right before the train... the line splits and we went left running all the way to the front... On the right were the chicks we were trying to beat out and I yell, "Well... look who's gonna ride first?" and Karen yells, "Denied!!!" Katie looked at us like we were imbeciles but it felt good. No freaking way with our bad backs could we ever beat those chicks with Katie. The photos would have been seen below had we taken them. Pitch black in the tunnels with the fireworks blasting as you came out. It felt spiritual. We went by the goat eating dynamite (which I have a picture of but the camera is in the car) and I got like three rows attention behind me and then I yelled it while pointing as we went by. The people behind us were like, "That dude's hammered..." But really I was coming off my buzz at that point...

Next was a side detour on the way to Splash Mountain. Keep in mind, we had less than 3 hours to hit these rides from the beginning. The park was dark with a bunch of shitty parades going on. It was wall to wall people and we had to zig zag around to get where we needed to go because they had all these feeble ropes with retired people waving flash lights on where to go.

But the side detour we took was directly to Pirates of the Caribbean. We got right on... There wasn't any excitement. Karen and I just got our breath. They yelled twice to keep your feet on the floor but it wasn't me.

Next was Splash Mountain. Ice cold water and chilly fall air. Nice to get soaked. I lingered towards the back of the log. We had a group that got the front of the log so we were cool. I almost slipped forward making a stupid pose for the camera. Karen flashed her gang signs. Katie wished for world peace. It was symbolic. If there were photos, they would be seen below. I yelled a lot as we went through the tunnel.

The final attempt we made was to hit the Matterhorn. Unfortunately my dream of riding this thing at night was still only a dream left for next year. They closed one side like idiots so the line was long. It was decision time... wait for the Matterhorn or checkout Space Mountain and ride it. We decided on Space Mountain. It was around 11 and the sign said 45 minutes for the ride. We waited for an eternity, people watching throughout the line. I hate couples who sit and make out while the line is moving. I hate really fat people who listen to their iPods by themselves wearing Star Wars trucker hats. I hate red necks. I hate parents who drag their 5 year olds into a long line and then yell at their kids because they hand on the chain dividers that make the lines.

Anyway, the ride was awesome for the 3rd time this week... Here's a picture of Elijah in an over-sized Charlie Brown shirt at Knott's Berry Farm:

A Couple of Updates

One... this is my 400th post!! (Big Whoop!)

Two... I have an addition to the Starbucks line because it happened today and I cannot believe I missed it. The one that walks in the door. Sees the line... muscles her way to the front, looks completely mystified... turns to the person behind her and says, "Are you next?" And then when you tell her you are, you are still pent up with rage and you are like, "YES, THANK YOU!!!" You try to squeeze her out of the way and she doesn't move. You are like on your tippy toes leaning into the space directly in front of the register to order your quadruple mega vente latte because she won't move. And it is completely oblivious that there are like 10 people who are "in line" before she was "next" before her. And she is blocking the pathway with her giant old lady purse to the counter where you pick up the coffee. She is both on the right and the left at the same time but is like 3 inches shorter than a doorknob Teeny. WTF!! Where do you go?

Three... It has been 5 days since the wicked accident out in the desert and I am in god awful pain. I can't move, stand or walk fast. It hurts to sit at my desk today and work but I am doing it. I took a grip of Advils at lunch. I am afraid to go the doctor in bloody pain because the dude will be like, "Are you like doctor shopping for medication? We just refilled your carbamazepine." Then I will have to piss in a cup or something to prove I ain't loaded. Then they'll ask if it happened at work and I'd be like, "Technically no, but technically yes..." I hopefully get out of picking up the boy from day care today. However, nothing makes me happier than walking into a room full of kids and the one with the biggest blue eyes sees you and comes running (crawling really) to you like Hyenna with rabies. The smile, the happiness and the snot flying around the room is totally amazing because I am: Dad

Four...

Thanks to tos, my thoughts are really mixed about "Sicko".



And five...

For lawryde...


3 Ways The Net Keeps You From Scoring - Watch more free videos

Wow...

Steve Involved In A Wicked Car Accident

I was driving today in Arizona. It was hot like 107 degrees. I was in a sports-type car and so I was going kind of fast for the conditions. I was weaving in and out of corners just passing people left and right, a lot of them just really didn't know how to drive. Well, I came around this really tight corner and this lady spun out in front of me. She totally got sideways and like I had nowhere to go. I thought quick and I threw my car into the guard rail hoping to make it through and BAM!!! I was T-Boned at 35 mph by the car behind me. I almost flew out of the car because it was open top. I had a four point harness on though and THANK GOD for the helmet!!

I was able to straighten out and get off the track. I was lucky. The guy that hit me is a piece of shit for doing so. That guy is big brother. And we were on the F-1 go kart racing track in Phoenix, AZ. He had his racing permit revoked for the day. I might forgive him but 30 minutes in the hot tub did nothing to help.

But the racing...

Dude... it was so rad. These go karts go like 45 mph. There was this tight track and we got two races on it. Centrifical clutch on the motor. A gas pedal and some brakes. Yeah what brakes. I was drifting in the fog like an Asian kid in Daly City, CA down Hickey Blvd. (Grow up in DC and you know what I am talking about) I was all giddy before we started. We had to take a race "class" on how to drive. We had a smock for the helmets so your sweat didn't make everything wet. Optional racing suits which we declined of course because we didn't want to look like fairies. I have a passion for driving cars fast and when I can get in a position to legally do so... I can get a car to move.

So there was like 10 of us. We all get in the cars. My brother got the pole position because of a random pick and I was 5th, which pissed me off. As soon as the green flag dropped I was gone. We had a rolling start and when green meant go, I freaking blew the doors off the car in front of me. All tight corners and chicanes. I found the line and soon I was behind my brother. The two of us roll it like we stole it. I'd pass him and the asshole would cheat and bump me into the wall over and over. This went on for like 15 laps until they called us in.

They judged the racing times by seconds per lap. I had the fastest lap out of 24, beating my brother by a full half second. He was pissed. He made up excuses like my car was faster or that his brakes didn't work right or that because I am smaller. (He's 6' 1" and maybe 220, which doubles Teeny both in height and weight, twice) I rarely used my brakes and all that tuning and racing I did a few years back on my 914 and the racing games on my XBOX 360 paid off. I flew around corners. Everyone would take them tight... I ran them deep to keep the speed up because of the engine clutch these things have. When you hit the brakes you lose revs and your engine dies. You keep the engine speed up and there is no stopping you. I got the thing to back fire a few times which was really cool. The line was definitely on the outside of the track.

So a half an hour later. The cars are in a different order so the faster car claim is gone. I am running 5th at the start so I still have to pass 4 people to get to the front and ahead of my brother. I don't have the same car. And still despite the accident (that the managers were pissed at my brother for) I beat my best time by a full second and again came in first. I ran this car harder. Sliding, smoking tires. It was great. All except for the crash. The admonished my brother and kicked him out.

In the championship race I lost by 7 tenths of a second. My time in the second race was the 4th best this week at this place.

My thumbs hurt. My back is totally fucked. I think I have whiplash. My wrists are killing me. After he hit me I sat on the track for like 5 minutes and then pulled off the track and sat there for another few. My co-workers had that look like, "Oh that dude is totally a jerk for doing that to him."

But it's okay... We go on these team events and if there is something to win, my brother always tries to win. He is ultra competitive. But I stuck him twice by a good margin. I had him.

I won.

The Magical World of Carbamazepine

Ah... the 80's with their great synth songs.

Yeah... so I went to the doctor yesterday to discuss my options and I came home with a couple of bottles of carbamazepine.

Basically it makes your pain go away. How, I don't know... But let me tell you, man... I have to work up to 6 pills a day to kill the pain. And after one... I am flyin'!!! Well... not really. But remember when you went to the dentist as a kid and they shoved nitrous on your nose and claimed that you were an astronaut on journey before they drilled on your molars? Way too calm down a 5 year old so they did not have the most traumatic experience of their lives.

The stuff seems to work but let me tell you, I have been at the edge of my chair all day. I went golfing last night and shot about a 52 on 9 holes which actually is good for a guy who has a numb leg and arm after he swings a club. I didn't hit one ball straight off the tee until the eighth when I gave up on the driver and it a 3 iron. I smoked it too. On the ninth hole, I did pull driver but I used my old grip which actually hurt me off that tee I mentioned on the previous post. I had a par on the 5th hole, bogeyed the first and third. So all in all, it was good to get out. Pain wasn't too bad when I got up this morning. Then I took the new medication and I feel okay today.

The cool side effect... It helps with bi-polar disorder so I shouldn't be pissed off all the time and then suddenly happy for no reason at all.

Update: After watching the video and writing the first two comments below, I decided to search "Major Tom" in Wikipedia. See link here. Amazing how one mythical character transcended time from Space Oddity all the way down to a neopunk band, like At The Drive In (I have one of their CD's) from the late 1990's/early 2000's.

Steve Goes Deep... Let's You All In On A Secret

Reach for the Sky

Hey Guys,

Having a blog is one of the most wonderful things you can have. Really. Everyone should have one. The readers you catch, make friends with and... well in a sense make friends with and then connect with sort of, become the commentary you may seek from your psyche. (Let it rip Tina) I think if you start a blog like I have and write like I do, you seek assurance, redemption or even the compliment of knowing that your conscience actually has an answer or comment or question into your daily life. I write this as my cat, Jack, kneads his way into the comforter for a night long sleep. Something about that kneading really makes you wonder.

I sat down the street tonight with some of my wife and I's friends for my wife's Japanese club thing. I stayed after my wife went home with Elijah for another glass of Mark West Pinot Noir. (great wine, light and bold...good fruit tones... smooth)After I talked with them for a while I headed home. I live 3 or 4 blocks away from this place so I headed out. Then I had to pee real bad. So I started to hurry a little. What happens next was interesting. This happened literally 15 minutes ago so I am still soaking it in. My trot turned into a run. My run turned into a sprint. My sprint turned into the World's Fastest Indian. I was flat out booking. I covered a quarter mile in seconds. I ain't kidding. And for about 5 seconds... but it seemed like an eternity, I reached euphoria. I was calm. Breathing slow... Centered. Complete, all at one time. It was like I was numb. Like the air around me, whispering around my ears was a sense of total calmness. I swear I reached what we all intend to some day get to.

Then it all just stopped.

First it was a shock. Then it was a crack. My shoulder, my leg, my hip... my back. What was once a well-oiled, German, tuned machine went to cheap American crap. I stumbled. I collapsed and thankfully there is that cyclone fence that runs down the other side of the street, I had something to grab onto. What the hell just happened? I snapped. I'm broke. No more. I'm out. Pain takes over and I see the whites of it's eyes.

I am 33 years old and in a couple of weeks I have the scariest doctor's appointment of my life. So I think. I cannot shake my pain. It's with me 24/7. And if there is that chance where I feel like I am healed, it always ends in some sort of misery. As I write this, I feel like I am typing a million miles an hour. It is right from the tip of my tongue, the fore-front of my mind. It may sound a bit humorous, even light hearted at first but it comes from someone that hurts and hurts bad. I can't stop it. It won't stop. It's always right there jabbing me, punching me and has me in it's GI Joe Kung Fu grip. I asked my doctor for the test... The test whether I have MS or not.

It's been over a year. A year since I left a golf course in pain. Not the worst pain I ever felt but pain that seemed to consume me. Pain I live with all day. It stays on my left side. It causes me to limp. It cause my leg to feel weak, lazy actually. It changes my moods. I am so consumed so perplexed by it, I don't know where to begin to think to even treat it. It's in my toes, my knee, my hip, my leg, my shoulder and especially my back. MRI's show nothing... nothing physical that is. I have reached the point of either or. It's this or it that. It's in my head or it's not. Pain psychology had taught my one thing, I can treat what's in my head... the rest is my body. It's my body.

Maybe this is something I finally had to let out... something to tell the world or whom ever listens. I felt tonight in those few seconds when I was running faster than I ever, ever, ever could push myself before if the pain was really, a reality, I could deal. It's the blackjack hand I could win... as long as I know my chances. My chances still favor me.

If it turns out it is MS... even as the last two fingers on my left hand go numb from typing. I'll adapt. I'll overcome. I will prevail.

Thanks as always, for listening...

Steve Pimps Acupuncture, Part II

An amazing song called, Miracle Drug, by U2

I had an interesting experience this morning so I thought I'd come out and write about it. I had a visit early with the pain psychologist and then another acupuncture session right after. What I have been doing with the pain psychologist is work on biofeedback. What it basically is, is a computer thing that attachs to your body and you tell yourself to relax. This little graph line moves up or down depending how well you do. Each session gets you to new levels. I am doing well at the Hard difficulty level but I have not nailed it yet. Interesting thing after the session is what he talked about. He had a discussion with the pain doctor and basically told me, they don't know what is wrong. Normally with this much time, they can pin point the pain I am feeling. Right now, they have no idea but to keep trying the relaxation stuff.

In the above song at around 3 minutes, the Edge comes in and sings this verse:

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

Later I went to another acupuncture session and I basically did the same relaxation thing, but this time with pins and needles stuck in my neck, face and hands. I was worried because after the last session, I got a real stiff neck and yesterday I had a huge migraine headache, like the type I had when I started this blog back in November of 2004. (Yeah I started a blog over headaches) Today's session of acupuncture was relaxing and my sore neck and shoulder are gone this morning. I get to go back on Friday.

I was laying in bed though the another night when the song Miracle Drug came up on my iPod. I had heard the song many times but for some reason, at 2 in the morning, I got totally absorbed into the song. The words sort of struck a chord with me, (Key of A actually, which the song I believe is in, though I haven't checked with a guitar yet). I was listening to these words though, and I wanted to know desperately what the song was about. That and I heard 3 distinct voices instead of just Bono's. That verse above though stuck way out. I knew it wasn't Bono singing it and I later found it was the Edge. (Yes I am going somewhere with this). But the thing is... those words:

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

Brings a tear to my eye thinking about this. The din is basically distorted loud noise. I think we as people have "noisy" lives. We live in chaos really, between work, family, paying bills, planning your life out, achieving goals and all that good stuff. Under all that, and I thought about these words in the acupuncturist's chair, I wondered, "What is the voice I am hearing? Is there a voice? And is it only a whisper?" Only a whisper? What am I thinking... I think the voice is loud and clear. I need to treat myself better, whatever that means... My life is entirely filled with happiness and joy and utter success, which I am not at liberty to talk about in detail but I really am the best at what I do. Yet with all that, that whisper is a shriek and it's the real cause of my chronic pain. It's telling me something and I think today I figured that part out. But what? What is it?

I did feel like a stranger when I initially went to that pain clinic last year. I still do sometimes. Maybe because when I am there I see people that feel real pain. People with chronic health issues in wheel chairs and 40 to 50 years older than me. Their pain is real...

Is mine?

(What the song is actually about, fascinating!!!)

Steve Pimps Acupuncture

Play while reading post.

Okay... so I had my first session of acupuncture today. It was quite an interesting experience. Basically, the place was like 8 or 9 blocks from my house in some plain building that I drive by 3 to 4 times on a daily basis. The building was seriously dated. It looked like it probably did in the 50's. Just one simple doorway, down a long hallway. Kind of felt familiar like I had been there before. I opened the door to the office, right into a waiting room. At first glance, I knew the room looked laid out in perfect Feng Shui. Horseshoe style chairs around the perimeter set in a horseshoe pattern. A center piece at the top of the horseshoe near the office window. A giant Chinese portrait on one wall and a mirror that reflected it on the other. The room felt cozy yet open. The exam rooms I later saw were laid out in the same horseshoe type pattern, just inviting you in.

So once in the room I was greeted by the doctor. A sweet older chinese lady, perhaps in her mid to late 50's. She had a few questions regarding my pain. Immediately she went to questioning my stress level.

"You very stressful person", she said as she looked me over.

She first grabbed my right hand, pressing it in one place that made my fingers tingle. I have been trying to repeat the same grasp myself with out the same result. She grabbed my left hand and did the same thing. Producing the same result.

She then grabbed my shoulder and says, "Oh... very tense. Too much stress. Think relaxation. You will get better."

Then I laid down on the table on my side.

Then the needles start. BAM!!! One into the side of my neck that actually sort of hurt. She jammed four more into my neck that I did not feel. Then one right into my ear that I felt might have pierced it. Then one right into the center of my forehead. Then one into that spot she grabbed on my left hand.

She stuffed a pillow between my knees and said, "You take nap now. You relax, forget stress." She shut the lights off and the whole room was pitch black.

And there I was with 8 to 10 needles stuck in me, laying on my side, in a pitch black room.

20 or so minutes later she came back. Lifted me up and says, "You feel good now, right?"

I am like "yeah, but numb."

She wiped some blood off my forehead and says, "You come back right away, Monday or Tuesday. You need treatment many times. You come back, okay?"

I walked out of the building.... the most relaxed I have ever felt. Now about an hour and a half later, my left arm feels much better and so does my neck. However... My lower back pain kicked up. Perhaps I need her to work on that next?

Crazy experience...

Steve Takes the Needle

Sometimes it is rather hard to come up with blog topics and other times, like today, there are so many ideas they are hard to choose from. But this should be a good story:

So I am back from the steroid shot experience and I don't feel any different yet. What an experience though. I had these visions of this giant needle going up the top of my butt crack into the base of my spine and me screaming in pain while chewing the end of the table off with my blunt set of incisors.

Nothing like that...

Not at all... but the story is interesting...

I hate pain, I hate that wincing feeling and I especially hate needles (quiet lawryde, Mr. Got some really cool Tattoos so I can deal with needles no problem). So the whole time, I was thinking about the feeling I mentioned above with the whole biting off the end of the table stuff. I was so stressing out when I got in there. They walked me in and took my vitals. My heart was pumping a cool 120 bpm and my blood pressure was like 185 over 100. Not at massive coronary levels but dude, I was freaking.

So the doc reviews the chart and my pain threshold. He describes some things. I found out through the process that his brother was my Biology teacher in high school. Told me the worst part was the novocaine. The rest was easy.

So the plop me on the table and roll up my shirt. I am laying there. And like my heart rate is like 145 bpm.

The doctor goes into this story... "So have you ever bought anything from Dell..."

"No," I say, " I am an Apple guy.."

"So let me tell you this story anyway... watch it, this is gonna get cold. I want this wireless keyboard."

And he goes on and on with this horrific story about Dell and getting blue tooth to work with the new Windows Vista system coming out. Meanwhile, my heart rate is cruising. 160, 170, 175... And I am slowly not paying attention. I mean, I can talk for hours about computers. I am no expert but, I have first hand experience with Windows and the stupidity of Bluetooth with it.

He's like,"So they said it wasn't a technical problem it is a sales problem so I had to go to my sales guy and WHOA!!! Slow down there buddy, at 185 bpm we're gonna need to get the crash cart."

I'm like, "I know. Get on with it already. This is totally normal for me to freak out."

I am taking the deepest breaths possible and he is carrying on with the story trying to take my mind off of it. A little pinch from the novocaine and it was over. Never felt the shot hitting my spine or anything.

Once my heart rate came down to like 140 bpm when they were cleaning up, I was totally focused. I am like, "Oh yeah, I tried installing this bluetooth device to my work computer which is a PC and the device driver wasn't signed by Microsoft but you can do this..." And I go on diagnosing the problem.

Pretty funny. They were so cautious. They thought I was gonna drive out of there at first and wanted to make sure my wife pulled the Hummer around the corner.

We'll see how this works.

Broken...

Yeah, I write that nice post last night about my new chair. Sunday I couldn't get out of bed easily and this morning, oh my, I am near dead. I feel like someone is jabbing a knife through the center of my back. I can at least function enough to answer the phone and work on my computer but Jesus, this sucks! So much for work today.

Today though, I get "the shot". Cortisone right to the spine. We'll see... My God, it hurts today!!