Monday, July 09, 2007

7 Rules For Waiting In Line At Starbucks.

Okay... apparently the concept of waiting in line escapes people when they enter a Starbuck's to get their morning twitch cured. So I'd thought I'd write some rules down before I piss off the next client at this multi national juggernaut with my "move the F--- up, bitch":
  1. When you are in line, you are "in line". Doesn't mean you exit, walk around the store to look at a shelf, greet a friend or take a leak. "In line" means you are waiting to be "next" at the register, plain and simple. And when you are "next" be sure you actually are "next". Most Starbucks have two registers going and you just may cut off the person that was really "next" because they reached to get a paper or CD (after they finally got to the counter and not beforehand).
  2. Know your drink, period. A long line does not mean you ask about the different soymilk combinations they have when the barista calls on you for a drink. The menu rarely, if at all, changes. Ask your questions after you order... for next time. There are no trade backs. You are there because you are an addict. A meth head does not ask the dealer if he has cherry flavored syringes. Look up this shit online if you want to know.
  3. Be alert. I know you are at Starbuck's because you are still asleep. However, pay attention!! The line can suddenly move forward. Note if anyone is wearing a construction vest in front of you, they are there for a basic cup of coffee and not some foo foo pussy drink. Usually these guys come in packs. If seven of them are in line in front of you, you'll be at the counter in a matter seconds. Also the Barista's have a habit of processing drink orders up the line. Don't be the one with the person behind you going, "Uh... sir... Um... sir, SIR!!!" while frantically pointing forward.
  4. Cellphones are like children: Don't bring them. If you have a child, you spend more time "in line" keeping them from the juice rack, coffee machines and cd's piled around the store, while yelling their names out every 10 seconds. It's just as embarrassing to us as it is to you because if we are right behind you, we look like "your husband, life partner or seed donor". Consequently if you are a cellphone guy (even if it is hands free and you look just like one of the bums outside begging for money, talking to yourself) you are just as guilty as the mother with the kids. Shut it off. Starbucks is the Utopia of Capitalism. You are no more and no less important because you have a phone in this world. The barista will call you "the asshole with the phone" when he is filling your cup under his breath when his helper says, "Who's this for?"
  5. If you are at Starbucks to order drinks for the entire staff of your office, look behind you. If the person behind you is ordering one simple drink and there is no one else behind you or them, let them through first. It's like going to the check stand at the grocery store with a cart full a shit and letting the guy around with the six pack of beer. It's courtesy. It applies to Mochas as well as Safeway.
  6. If you are treating 5 or 6 friends, ask them to clear out and find a seat if the store is busy. Nothing annoys anyone more when 6 of you are sitting around visiting while "in line" or "next". Take the drink orders. Don't make it complicated and keep moving forward. It's simple courtesy. We're not invited to your party so don't crash ours.
  7. A lot of Starbucks offer stupid trivia games for a free shot of Espresso. This one is a bit complicated for some folks. If you don't like the "coffee taste" of your mocha anyway, don't freaking answer even if you know Darth Vader's original name. Starbucks is not going to cut the price of your drink because you can't handle the extra shot. And when you answer wrong. Don't freaking argue and beg for the free shot because "no one else got it right either". And if you need to feel more keyed this morning and the answer is completely obvious, like "Who just won the Super Bowl?" the day after it occurred, then dude... answer, don't hem and haw over it because you "get all the answers right on Jeopardy but never get the call from Mr. Trebek back" because you actually know the score too. Smile and say thank you, because they didn't need to give you free shit anyway.
This is all I got. Anyone else got anything annoying about waiting, comment below.

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