Friday, June 29, 2007

Ragdoll Physics Lesson

Car Blows Red Light And Crushes Biker - Watch more free videos
See what happens when you hurry to get an iPhone. Dumbass!!

The iPhone is the most over-rated device since the iPod (which my wife and I can't live without) and luxury SUV's that go faster than most cars on the road (Porsche Cayenne in driveway). I don't get it. I used maybe 3500 minutes last month on my phone (yeah two zeros). Perhaps I have enough gadgets on my phone since it's one of those Treo's with the keyboard and shit. I drove by a Verizon outlet today and there was a grip of people in line, waiting to drop $500 on one of these invaluable pieces of plastic.

I gotta lesson for you. That dude on the motor cycle should have worn his seat belt. The other lesson, wait until the 30 gig comes out people. A 4 gig will only hold two movies. That's it! You won't have room for other stuff like... pictures of your kids or porn. (And you know you need that... not me though because I am a Republican)

Anyhow... this fad should subside by Christmas. And next year there will be something better like a time warp machine so you can go back and make your life better like in that Bravery song below. You know you want to go back and punch that guy who was an ass to you in gym class.

Have a good weekend y'all!!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Ice Chomper At The H&C

Yeah... I chomp on my ice. My teeth are fully flat because of it. But I don't care. I have great teeth and never get cavities.

So I am at my favorite burger hut, the H&C Hamburger place across the street from original Tower Records here in Sacramento today that all of you illegal music downloaders are personally responsible for running out of business with your illegal downloading. And I got my soda first while waiting for my burger and fries. (Fries are so good there... not In&Out fries but really good fries)
I was kicking it watching some high school kids fight over the ketchup. And what do I do when I am bored with an iced down soda in my hand? I start chomping away on my ice.

This annoying looking lady, you know... the kind with long stringy, but straight hair wearing clothes 3-4 sizes too big (a hippy in her 50's) muscles her way between me... where I am already pushed up against the window and the fighting high school chicks who should be wearing looser clothes, to get to the iced tea....

Okay... I was at this place like a week ago with my friend John from Seattle. And this little Asian guy thought I was checking out his girlfriend because I was staring at ESPN watching a replay of one of Bonds' homers or something. She was something to check out, but I was done with it after I pointed her out to John like 5 minutes earlier. And the little Asian boyfriend (I thing he was Hmong, because he had a real nice Honda), anyway, the Asian guy makes that noise that I can imitate but can't like spell out here. It's like making a kissing noise out of the side of your mouth but it is not a kiss sound, almost like a munch actually. And he says, "Dude, what are you looking at?" with his humming bird sized chest all stuck out at me like he showed up to a cock fight. John didn't even hear him. I just brushed him off like, "Whatever." I mean, I wasn't looking at his girlfriend at this point. But we were now!! John and I had like 300 lbs total and 7 inches each between us over the guy. He was ready to walk down the middle of the road and we'd squish him, like grape!! (I could not make this into a blog story until today)

Back to the hippy lady with oversized clothes...

She filled her 32 OZ cups to the brim with ice. She's was filling these to the point where I was like, "Dude, WTF?" And then the second one... I was sitting there, kicked back at the window, waiting for #198 to be called. Stands next to me. I mean, right next to me. Got the whole room, the lunch time crowd is gone... I am #198 and she's like #207 or something. Got like a whole 7 minutes before she gets called. Right there, holding two 32 OZ cups, full of ice with a dabble of iced tea. And I am chomping away


She goes, "Excuse me! Can you not do that? People annoy me when they chomp ice!"

Without missing a beat I go, "I hate liberals.... Don't stand so close.... Praise Jesus for this glorious day, Okay?!?"

She sat there dogging me like I pissed in the iced tea bucket...

And there I was....


Saturday, June 23, 2007

Time Won't Let Me Go...: Some Analytical Thought

This is a huge mask on reality. Some people will say this an awesome song. Some will say it's okay. Others will hate it.

But I think they have it right in the lyrics. Everyone one of us have regret of not doing something in there lives and that moment past them by. And the rest of their lives they are like, damn... I should have done that.... Especially in those lines, "I never had a Summer of 69, I never had Cherry Valance of my own. All these precious moments you promised me I'd have in time, So where was I when I had mine."

You know something, I had the Summer of 69 thing, but actually it really occurred in 1997 for me. And I married the "Cherry Valance" of my own. (Mushy) But the line that sticks out is that "All these precious moments that you promised me I'd have in time..." There are some ugly things in life that kids go through in there late teens/early twenties years where after high school it's all just "gonna happen" and it doesn't for them. The video really points out how fragile life is, with a card house. Wasting your life watching TV, not getting out there, asserting yourself. You know, being an engineer or a chemical salesman.

I reluctantly took my career job in 1997 at 23. I moved away from home for the third time. During that time, I thought time had passed me by. I thought time wouldn't let me go... back. Go back through college. Choose a different major other than music. Choose something that I would have had more fun with like communication or business (which would have helped in what I am doing now). I could have hung with different people or whatever. But, the reality is I am what I am. I suffered that year out of college between 1996-1997 thinking I knew what I wanted to do and the only preparation I took was to load up my Toyota pickup, head to LA and look for a job. It sucked. I faced a point in October of 1996 where I chose to eat instead of paying a credit card bill. Never want to go back to that time ever. So at 23... did I find myself? Was I stupid though, regretting the mistakes I made for a few years after that? I only realize over the last few years that the year after I came back from LA, I found myself and had the best summer ever. 1997. On June 15th, I had my 10 year anniversary with my company. 10 whole years at one place. Do I sing, Time Won't Let Me Go now? Hell no...

I still love all these songs these guys write. Every band, existing now or up and coming like The Bravery here. Once in a while, these songs make you really think. No matter who writes them, what style they are in or what ever. Its obvious these guys (or gals) come from a more fucked up perspective than I ever will.

(But will my older sister in law actually click on the video this time :) )

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I So Want This In My Backyard...

The Human Sling Shot Part 2 - Watch more free videos

This would be the shit.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Great TV in the Making!!!

You guys see what's going on?

As you all know, after 35 years, Bob Barker retired from The Price Is Right. God bless the man too. All those models he banged... All those fans he had loved him to death. He is/was a TV icon of huge proportions.

And then along comes Rosie O' Donnell.

"Oh hello, I WANT THAT JOB", she says on her blog. (To which I refuse to link her... go use "the Google" if you want to see it--and why is there a picture of Michelle Wie, first???)


I think it would be awesome to take a show like The Price Is Right which is nothing short of pure, controlled Capitalism and Consumerism and mix it with the star of extremist liberalism and socialist ideology.

Can you imagine this?

Totally gotta keep the Hole In One game but now it's sponsored by the LPGA.

Every contestant would get medical and health benefits for the time they appeared on the show for free. It would be remitted as cash back to them if they never used it.

You can take a game like Plinko and instead of winning money, you'll give what you win to the poor soul in the back of the audience that did not make up there because they were late or couldn't afford a ticket or because they were handicapped or too gay for TV.

Then you'll have wheel thing they spin for the showcase showdown and if the mid 30's white guy some how made it that far onto the show (since the show was now loosely based on Affirmative Action) he'd get only one spin and the old, retired, illegal alien would get three spins if they needed it. And that rule would be clearly explained to that individual in their native language that the mid-30's white guy would have no idea how to read or understand because he grew up speaking and reading our "official" English language in school.

And then once the Showcase Showdown would start... The prizes would be reviewed in three different languages, including sign. And there would be a Braille thing with smell that someone could attach to the TV. The winning car would be a Prius with a trailer hitch to pull a small one person sailboat with no room. All the furniture would be from IKEA and it would be pre-assembled by non-Christian, homeless shelters bought and paid for with tax payer money: from San Francisco.

So go on... hire Rosie O. Make my dream of a better America a reality. Besides... I want to see another trainwreck!!

Friday, June 15, 2007

In The Presence of a God...

Social D's latest and greatest song. Mike Ness is due for a late in life career much like Cash's

Man... this guy has been on the scene now 30 years and he keeps writing great song after great song.

I stood right in front of his mic a few years back and threw some punches at some dude that was totally bigger than me. Something felt good about that. That and all the Jack I drank before the show!!!

I'm Turning Into Piggy

Not Exactly but Close...

Dude... so I like have had this cough for like three months that won't go away. First I went to the doctor and he said I had bronchitis. Got some antibiotics some cough syrup and went home.

A month later I went back to the doctor and he told me I had bronchitis. So I got some cough syrup and some more antibiotics. All I got was a cool buzz.

So this thing kept going, and going. Well... I went back. And wouldn't you know it, the doctor says, "Afraid you've got the Asthmar..."

So I got some inhalers and I got a pulmonary breathing exam today.

Shit... What next?

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Oh This Will Make You Cry...

Phone Salesman Amazes Crowd - Watch more free videos

Shit... I almost cried!! Also makes me feel small.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Another Mean Post...

Flew home from Seattle this afternoon and I must say, the Seattle to Sacramento flight is one of the best views if you are stuck in a window seat.

It would have been even better though if the old lady in front of me would have learned how to shut up!

First off, she told her husband that the next time she went to Alaska, she wanted to see icebergs and that she did not want to wait another 30 years to get to go. Doh! Zing! Yeeouch!! I'd file for divorce like right there or at least crack her upside the head.

Then, after noticing that we were totally boarded she wanted to know why we weren't leaving. She had all these thoughts that she spoke out loud like, "I bet not all of the luggage is not loaded." Or "There's something wrong up front." Or some other lame excuse. The funny part is when she looked back out the window and said, "Oh we can't leave because those planes are on the runway and we shouldn't back."

I sighed... Looking at my watch with like 10 minutes to spare before the scheduled take off.

So we were off... And I thought we were done. Especially when the drink cart came out and she had her white zinfandel with the screw top.

The cool thing about this flight is that it goes right over the Cascades. You see Mt. Rainier at takeoff. What's left of St. Helens, Mt Hood, Shasta... Lassen all the way down.

She's like, "Look everyone Shasta Lake. We're getting close!!!" All loud and energetic.

I am thinking, no dipshit... That's actually Crater Lake.

The whole left side of the plane of old people coming over to the right side of the plane to gasp and ahhh at Crater Lake and this old bitch is insistant that we're over Shasta Lake.

"Ding... this is your captain, if you look out the right you can see Crater Lake".

"Oh..." the lady says, "It's Crate Lake, look everyone..."

I shook my head in disbelief as I looked at my calendar on my Treo.

So some time passes and we actually get over Shasta and then the lake the whales were trying to get to, 250 miles north of Sacramento.

Her husband rightfully points out Shasta and then the lake.

So there is some silence... we're descending and we come across this big city and she goes, "Hey look it's Rocklin and Sun City."

Finally I am done with the stupidity of announcing geographical landmarks and I say forcefully," That's not Rocklin or Sun City... That's Yuba City and how you can tell is that old mountain range called the Sutter Buttes that's right outside of town off of Hwy 20 to Colusa.., Rocklin is 50 miles away on the other side of the plane, OK!!!"

She turns around and looks at me... I just stared forward like nothing happened.

This kind of crap really pisses me off!!

Saturday, June 09, 2007

The Proving Ground

Parrott's Ferry Rd between Murphys and Columbia

Okay... this is a gnarly stretch of road between Murphys and Columbia State Park. That chunk of water is New Melones Resevoir which takes it's water from what I believe is the Stanislaus River off the Sierra Nevada. It's a pretty steep grade down to that water from Columbia. The road isn't the curviest or the steepest but ask any kid that grew up in Calaveras County and they'll tell you about some kid that died on this road. When I was in high school I used to haul ass in my Toyota pickup over that bridge on the left of rectangle.

I had to make a trip to Sonora this morning, so hey... lets test the Porsche out on the way back. I got to the top of the hill with no one in front that I could see. My iPod was on shuffle and like it was meant to be, Sympathy for the Devil started playing. I opened the windows and sun roof, hit the sport mode between the seats and went into Tiptronic. I gave myself some boundaries though... I kept the thing in manual and never let it get out of 3rd gear. Also if the tires squealed I'd ease it back a little. Never crossed the yellow line. I was able to keep it about 50 most of the way. (Speed limit is 25). Holy Crap! It handled better than the BMW we had a few years back. Just darted in and out of each turn and hugged the road tight. You would not expect this handling from a 4500lb car but dude... It was awesome!! I want to bring the 914 back next time!!

Trivia factoid: Most of the Back to the Future filming took place in Jamestown just south of here. Also Mark Twain lived outside of Columbia.

(Used Microsoft's Streets and Trips 2007 to make the map)

Nothing Like Knocking Back A Cold One With Your Son...

Elijah sits back enjoying his first brew. Amazing how natural it is for a 10 month old to go for Daddy's beer bottle.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Now The Trouble Begins..

It's like the laughter of the comic book guy on the Simpsons when Bart, Milhous and Martin fought over the rare comic book they pooled their money to buy.

Or even like the commercial where the couple is racing home to take a shower in their highly wasteful Kohler shower. Remember the lady is nearly naked pounding on the front door screaming "no fair you had it last time!"

I got home from a two day trip and last night I am like, "I am going to drive the Porsche around the park real quick." to my wife...

And she says, "Which one? The new one or the old one?"

I look at her knowing she can't drive the 914 because it's a stick and the seat doesn't move, and I am like duh... the new one, and I thought to myself, "Are you going somewhere?"

What a dilema? Which Porsche to drive? Gee... I don't know. The white one with the brown interior doesn't quite define it!

(I don't think I am gonna have many readers left soon!)

Saturday, June 02, 2007

I Am Such An Ass... But There IS No Substitute For A Porsche!

Well... I got rid of the Hummer last night. It's gone. No more four wheeling over parking blocks. No more getting chastised by liberals who think they know how the environment works by watching Al Gore like the neo-cons know how we were all created by what Jerry Falwell said. I'll miss the Hummer but as one brilliant Beatle once said, "All Things Must Pass". (Darling Wife's carbon footprint is still 9.9 which is STILL a full 10 points lower than average where Al Gore says we need to be, Teeny)

Scratch off life goal number 276. I bought a Porsche, the Cayenne seen pictured above. (Heh, the cheapest one!) But still 295hp SUV that goes 0-60 in 7.5 seconds. A whole 4 seconds faster than the Hummer. The scary speed though occurs when you need to pass the old lady going 50 in the fast lane. Holy Crap! 50 to 80 occurs in less than a second. It's a real sports car disguised as a grocery getter. The white color is nearly the same as my 914. The interior color is nearly the same as well. Sort of a homage to my ole 1974... I can at least drive this new Porsche in the rain without fear of dying when I step on the brakes!

All wheel drive, four wheel disc brakes and like 8 air bags. It's got snow settings for those trips to Tahoe. The exhaust sound is unbelievable. Handling is crazy nimble. We even got seat and steering wheel heaters for those cool 40 degree mornings we get in the winter. I missed the BMW when we got the Hummer but with a child, how can you do it these days with all the crap you need to haul for the kid? I am glad to get that luxury back. This is the only car I have to buy for the family.

(Okay lawryde, you can go ahead and change that side bar link again on your blog.)