Post #725

Yeah... it's been 6 weeks since my last post and I should really get back to this blogging thing.

What gets me tonight is a startling revelation: Something changed.

I gave up any and all pain medication about 10 weeks ago (Except of course Tylenol or Motrin which seems to help a little at night).

I just freaking stopped. Or if prescriptions ran out... I just didn't refill them. I just quit. I was tired. Done.

Where am I at?

I hurt like a son of a bitch, yet feel sort of empowered but in an almost remorseful way. Like I feel an episode ended, I don't know what really happened and well... something changed.

How did I come up with this one?

Well... I was playing my guitar the other night and staring at my daughter Scarlett. Reactions from her and my guitar playing seem different and new. And I saw something in my playing I hadn't seen in probably 16 years; I saw invincible enjoyment. Like hey, "I am doing something and you fuckers can't take it away from me."

I have wandered a lot the past 3 or 4 years. I get pure enjoyment from finding something that makes my ass laugh senseless but I do so in my own private way by myself. I love staring out at the oak tree that is on my property that I bought recently. It's all gnarly, crooked and old and probably one of the most ugly things you have ever seen but I feel like I see past it and it is usually the sky that I see. The leaves some comeback on it in a few weeks now so I wonder...

So what are you saying?

Perhaps I finally see the dawn of a new day on the horizon. Perhaps I was or am sick and crazy with some ailment but my body is teaching me how to deal with it. Or have I come up for air and now want to stick my head out and enjoy the sunshine...

I don't know.

I painted my dining room this weekend. It is weird moving into a new place. The look of it is never yours no matter how you fill it with your things from your past life. It is a different place. But putting a new coat of paint, simple just changes the game or the mood or the ambiance or perhaps where you are at in your mind.

I've got a tough road ahead of me still.

There are now 5 individuals counting on me on a daily basis. I aim to be there but sometimes I just miss. I have important roles with each one of them and I need to balance. I also need to spend a couple of hours a week killing computer images on my XBox. Along with getting a decent amount of practice time.

My iPod has been shut off for 4 months.

I packed my apple computer in November and have yet to unpack it. I need a new one but all my music is on it. I have not bought a new piece of music since November. Probably the longest period in my life I have not bought music. I want the new Johnny Cash album, American Recordings: VI. I got some catching up to do... but I am making my own music too. Recalling a song I heard on the radio. We have XM in the Jetta and it is awesome.

My garage is a mess.

I love cars a lot. And I want another one. I need a kid hauler. We need to take four kids out somewhere for fun once in a while. And that's just it, once in a while. But I cannot and will not do it in a mini van. It's gotta be big or it's gotta be able to haul other shit... like a trip to Ikea or gravel.

My new neighbor annoys the shit out of me.

I can't stand this mother fucker. He likes to physically show me where the property line is with strings, stakes, utility markers... All kinds of SHIT. Let's think about this:

We live in the country and we have 1/3 acre to 1/2 acre parcels. Okay, that is a big piece of residential land yes, but the neighborhood is built like your standard cookie cutter suburb. We just have deer and snakes prancing around. And the soil is so GOD Damned hard most people just use rocks.

Between my house and the neighbors house is basically a sharp ravine. My property ends midway down the ravine and this fucker owns the rest of it.

I put my mailbox about 4 inches too far on his side. I shit you not I got pics. And it was a fucking accident.

Instead of telling me to move the box, he gets his Tommy Junior Surveyors kit or what have you and goes exploring for the property markers. And then has the utilities paint all these markers.

And shit... there are no sidewalks and technically where I put the box is not under our control anyway.

So... This jack ass never specifically tells me why he is drawing the lines either. He actually never asks me to move the box. He just sat out there like a jack ass "showing me the line".

I actually had to call him an idiot.

Where was I going with this?

I am still the same angry white dude...(lol) but man, I sure feel different lately. I cannot put my finger on it.