Monday, December 26, 2005

Observations Part 30: Going to the Mall the Day After!

I am a bit insane. There was absolutely nothing going on today at work so I cut out at noon. I had the Nordstrom's Tommy Bahama shirt to exchange for a bigger size and cash in some of those holiday gift cards that burn a hole in your pocket. So I came home to load up on the following items:
  • iPod with headphones
  • Water!
  • Comfortable running shoes
  • Gift Cards and receipt for shirt
  • Hummer for driving over parking curbs and landscaping (if needed)
There is absolutely no rational reason why one would actually go to the mall today. But I felt the need and plus I needed a Video Camera for those precious moments that are supposedly coming in 6 months! (And to win money at!)

The mall was an undertaking and I am glad I took the time and effort to plan it out. Don't ever do it without careful planning!

First plan... Park far and hike in: I parked far away near the exit. I was amazed I found parking in 5 minutes and in a spot big enough for the Hummer. I had the comfortable shoes on. I had no problem hiking in from about 1/2 mile out. I never understand why people need to find the closest spot. They spend a half an hour looking for a spot 10 feet from the building and then procede top walk 5 miles in the mall! Total time from my door until I got inside the mall: 15 minutes.

Second plan... Know the mission, stay focused: There were 1000's fighting for spots and to actually get into the mall. Then the chaos inside. Can someone please tell me why there was an Asian man filming his shopping experience? And why does he do it today of all days? He had like 10 kids with him as well. They were like this mutating mass of people slowly crawling across the mall. They were pretty pissed when I get into the camera shot! I stayed focused and got to Nordstrom's. Total time need to fight through the entrance to Nordstrom's: 5 minutes

Third plan... Find the return and exchange line: The absolute first thing I did was ask how to exchange my shirt at the first. I saw a store employee and asked. That way, I didn't waste any time to get the return processed. Then I found the shirt I wanted. Same color larger size. I proceded to get into the line. Now why is it that these large department stores can't train their Christmas help better? 9 years ago I worked at a Macy's. The register isn't that hard!
Time wasted: 15 minutes Time needed if cashier had a brain: 3 to 5 minutes max!

Fourth Plan.. Establish fasted route to Apple Store: I love the Apple store. My whole house is becoming Apple related (as I type on a IBM laptop). I had to see the latest gadgets and needed to get there from the mens department at Nordstrom's. Fastest way? Actually going deeper into the mass of Nordstrom's by ascending to the second floor. Ever ride and escalator? What do you do? You look down. What did I look down to? The cosmetic department. What did I see? An attractive woman in her early 40's working the sales counter. Why did my eyes fixate on her? A nip slip! Time from Nordstrom's to Apple: 7 minutes

Fifth Plan... Avoid Apple at all costs on the day after: Everyone and their mother was at that store. The line went from the back of the story all the way out! I proceded back toward the Hummer.

Sixth Plan... Do not piss off "Likes to Fight Guy" Standing in front of Escalator in Macy's: This plan was actually added last minute and actually during the shopping experience. There was this total bruiser with ripped jeans and stuff standing at the entrance of the escalator on the way to Best Buy. This dude for some reason was not happy. He just sat there standing in front of the escalator sort of blocking the entrance. Then he sort of faked a month to go down so I followed and he stopped suddenly. I bumped into him, the people behind me bumped me back into him and it was on! Well... almost. He stood there with a stupid look on his face and then said, "What? Do you want me to move?" Ok, what the hell was that? I just avoided I contact and politely said sorry and proceded down escalator. Total Time to Best Buy 10 minutes.

Seventh Plan... Having fun in mall parking lot: I do this for fun a lot and it works quite well during the holiday season. I walk through the parking lot holding my keys out in one hand and my bag in the other. And then I walk up an aisle. It is amazing to watch how long people will follow you slowly trying everything they can to block someone out so they can get your parking place. And just when the tension is right, I pretend to walk toward a car door adjusting my keys but I don't stop. I keep walking past the car and go to the next aisle and start the process all over again with the next potential mall customer. Oh my God, this pisses people off to no end. I get a kick out of it! Time screwing around in parking lot: 5 minutes but it seemed like an eternity to the drivers nearby!

Eighth Plan: Know what the store has before you go in: Best Buy always, always, ALWAYS shows the sales ads in your area on their website. So shop before ya go. Don't waste your time. You find something you like you then can go to the manufacturer's website to find what it is you need specifically in their item. What I learned today? Those new fangled DVD camcorders suck! They don't have firewire capability. Sure they are easy to use. But then you need all kinds of hardware and stuff to make them work right. I bought this one. Canon is the way to go. I always buy cameras from real camera companies because I feel they know what the hell they are doing. I won't buy some overpriced Sony. Total time in Best Buy after Christmas with pre-knowledge about product I am going to buy: 10 minutes.

Ninth plan... Remember the First plan: You parked near an exit for what reason? Fast get away. I only needed the Hummer to fling off the small cars trying to cut in front. I ran over two curbs as well. The road is much bigger in a Hummer! Total time needed to get out: 5 minutes. I was home at 1:45.

And there you have it. Professional advice on how to traverse a mall, make a return, entertain yourself and buy what you want.

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