Friday, March 30, 2007

Steve Goes Deep... Let's You All In On A Secret

Reach for the Sky

Hey Guys,

Having a blog is one of the most wonderful things you can have. Really. Everyone should have one. The readers you catch, make friends with and... well in a sense make friends with and then connect with sort of, become the commentary you may seek from your psyche. (Let it rip Tina) I think if you start a blog like I have and write like I do, you seek assurance, redemption or even the compliment of knowing that your conscience actually has an answer or comment or question into your daily life. I write this as my cat, Jack, kneads his way into the comforter for a night long sleep. Something about that kneading really makes you wonder.

I sat down the street tonight with some of my wife and I's friends for my wife's Japanese club thing. I stayed after my wife went home with Elijah for another glass of Mark West Pinot Noir. (great wine, light and bold...good fruit tones... smooth)After I talked with them for a while I headed home. I live 3 or 4 blocks away from this place so I headed out. Then I had to pee real bad. So I started to hurry a little. What happens next was interesting. This happened literally 15 minutes ago so I am still soaking it in. My trot turned into a run. My run turned into a sprint. My sprint turned into the World's Fastest Indian. I was flat out booking. I covered a quarter mile in seconds. I ain't kidding. And for about 5 seconds... but it seemed like an eternity, I reached euphoria. I was calm. Breathing slow... Centered. Complete, all at one time. It was like I was numb. Like the air around me, whispering around my ears was a sense of total calmness. I swear I reached what we all intend to some day get to.

Then it all just stopped.

First it was a shock. Then it was a crack. My shoulder, my leg, my hip... my back. What was once a well-oiled, German, tuned machine went to cheap American crap. I stumbled. I collapsed and thankfully there is that cyclone fence that runs down the other side of the street, I had something to grab onto. What the hell just happened? I snapped. I'm broke. No more. I'm out. Pain takes over and I see the whites of it's eyes.

I am 33 years old and in a couple of weeks I have the scariest doctor's appointment of my life. So I think. I cannot shake my pain. It's with me 24/7. And if there is that chance where I feel like I am healed, it always ends in some sort of misery. As I write this, I feel like I am typing a million miles an hour. It is right from the tip of my tongue, the fore-front of my mind. It may sound a bit humorous, even light hearted at first but it comes from someone that hurts and hurts bad. I can't stop it. It won't stop. It's always right there jabbing me, punching me and has me in it's GI Joe Kung Fu grip. I asked my doctor for the test... The test whether I have MS or not.

It's been over a year. A year since I left a golf course in pain. Not the worst pain I ever felt but pain that seemed to consume me. Pain I live with all day. It stays on my left side. It causes me to limp. It cause my leg to feel weak, lazy actually. It changes my moods. I am so consumed so perplexed by it, I don't know where to begin to think to even treat it. It's in my toes, my knee, my hip, my leg, my shoulder and especially my back. MRI's show nothing... nothing physical that is. I have reached the point of either or. It's this or it that. It's in my head or it's not. Pain psychology had taught my one thing, I can treat what's in my head... the rest is my body. It's my body.

Maybe this is something I finally had to let out... something to tell the world or whom ever listens. I felt tonight in those few seconds when I was running faster than I ever, ever, ever could push myself before if the pain was really, a reality, I could deal. It's the blackjack hand I could win... as long as I know my chances. My chances still favor me.

If it turns out it is MS... even as the last two fingers on my left hand go numb from typing. I'll adapt. I'll overcome. I will prevail.

Thanks as always, for listening...

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