Thursday, May 31, 2007

I'm Back... (An Old Fashioned Steve Rant)

Been away for a few days on business. I gotta tell you, flying away doesn't bother me so much. Really it's easy. I sleep better on the road and I get more done paperwork wise. The coming home part is the bitch. Usually I am flying in late and on some screwed up flight. My trip home was screwed up. I left at 5:20pm Central Time from Minnesota. Landed in Salt Lake at like 7:00pm, Mountain time. Then was supposed to fly out at 9:00 Mountain and land at 9:40 Pacific. (For those keeping score that is 6 hours 20 minutes, MSP to SMF)

I then I lugged my bags into carry on. WTF was I thinking? MSP (airport code for Minneapolis) is freaking huge! And of course I was at a seminar so I got heavy assed binder full of stuff (useful stuff but heavy). No inspirational books thank God. But dude, I go in to MSP near B and I got to go to F. And they don't have those moving sidewalks to there.

It gets worse, I land at A in Salt Lake (SLC)and I got to go clear over to C. Salt Lake is one of the most spread out airports on the planet. At least Vegas has a tram. Seattle is cool because it has this underground trolley. When you land there the first time and you look wa-a-ay over at the main terminal and you are like, "Dude, how am I getting over there?"

Of course the worst thing. The flight is delayed out of Salt Lake 40 minutes and it's a 757 so there are like 260 people trying to get on this thing. Something I must say about Salt Lake while you are waiting all this time... (Darling Wife cover your ears).... Full of hotties. OMG!! Hot, blond, 20-40, even the 50 year olds got it going on. Salt Lake City has the hottest women on the planet. Too bad though. Most of them have 4-5 kids trailing behind them. Mormons breed like rabbits. Freaking toe-head fest or something. Okay... so...

So I pack into this flight and every seat on the plane is taken. Except one. The one between me and the guy at the window. I am an aisle guy. Right side of the plane, always... (stretch out my back and left leg a lot). So this flight is late and one seat is open. The waitress stewardess comes up and says, "Hey... wanna trade seats with someone in the exit row?" I glance at the row and there is some like Samoan guy who is like 6'10" maybe 350, with all the leg room in the world slammed into an aisle seat, with his shoulders all pinched back and his left arm was blocking the aisle. My total lack of altruism takes over and I am like, "No!". Yeah it was a better seat, maybe... but seriously, I had my iPod out and there was no way I could move my carry-on bag forward. Plus, I am such non-conformist. I paid for 22-D and that was my seat. Check the manifest, lady... I thought.

So she asks my single serving friend at the window. Row 22 is freaking perfect now and this bitch lady wants to ruin it. I just look at him and let out one of those "Please don't move, I don't want that freaking giant blocking the window, besides... they have those lame fold out trays that never fold out like they should, and you'll spill your beer!" stares at him. He lets out the perfect, "Huh...wha? No way." It was awesome. The stewardess hung her head in shame saying, "I don't know why those guys don't want the best seats on the plane?" Um lady... when I got on the plane, 1 B in first class was open. If you were offering that seat... I'm freaking gone! But you didn't so... HA HA.

Then we land in Sacramento, finally home 30 minutes late... But know... 5 freaking gates are open at that side of the airport but Delta is only using one gate. We freaking wait...15-20 minutes. The pilot getting on every 30 seconds assuring us that we're a couple minutes from pulling up.

I get off the plane. We're at the A side. I parked in B. Gotta walk...

If I flew direct out of MSP. I would land 10 minutes later and probably would have had a nice meal.


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