Wednesday, November 21, 2007

In All Seriousness...

The Greatest Rock Band Ever (The Pixies)
I'm not black like Barry White, but I am white like Frank Black is

Just to screw with you all I am writing in a different font... Ha Ha...

Thank God for four days off (technically). I could use it. We are finally getting those cold mornings ( a balmy 40 degrees Lawryde, I know it's really cold in Peoria because it sucks ass) But with the cold comes the pain... Oh my God... My hips feel like someone came from behind with a couple of meat hooks and just jammed them into my pelvis. I can hear the laughter in the background like... "I got you asshole, you are mine"

What the hell did I do? Fighting the temptation to just pour the whole bottle of Vicodin down my throat with a Knob Creek chaser.

Anyhow... I am stuck with my parents on Turkey Day. Elijah and Kr--er um Darling wife will be there for moral support.

This is how it will go down:

My Mom will worry that the restaurant will have lost our reservation.

My Mom will keep talking about other family members throughout the meal.

My Mom will keep talking and talking until my Dad tells her to shut up.

My Dad will begin asking questions about car washes while playing with Elijah.

DW will order her first magic elixir (Kettle One and Tonic)

I will start answering the questions on car washes and my mom will interrupt worrying about what the other family members are doing.

I will spread some gossip because that is what holds the car wash industry together.

My Dad will concur with more questions quietly with lots of space in between sentences while finishing his beer.

(During this time, I will have searched for a not to over priced wine...Notice DW hasn't got a word in edge wise yet...except to ask me about her second vodka tonic...)

My mom will openly talk about what she bought us all for Christmas, her boutiques for her crafts and past history about the time my brother shoved his elbow into the banana pie on Thanksgiving 29-30 years ago.

My Dad will order another beer. At this point my mom will look around the room disgruntled because our waiter hasn't taken our food order. She will frown because I choose Prime Rib over Turkey...

The waiter comes and my mom will push back to make her order. I will let my Dad and DW order before I order. I will choose a red wine for the table that is not too heavy, not a Zin or Merlot, but a varietal or Reb Table Wine. Possibly a Sangiovese or Barbera... All along staring at the Fume Blanc or Riesling on the white side of the list. (Been craving Whites lately)

When I finally order my mother will frown because of the veggies I order. She will say comically to the waiter. "He doesn't eat vegetables, I don't know why he's ordering them" as I order a side salad too.

My mom will not see the signs that she should offer to hold Elijah as he is on his second batch of restaurant toys and crackers and is now working on his first crayon. I panic over the crayons even being near him while DW gives me the old, "Who's the better parent look" (She is by far... Trust me!)

The food will come and so will DW's third Vodka Tonic, my dad's fifth beer and my mom's tenth scowl. I will be enjoying a wine/Vicodin buzz, picking on my mother with everything she says.

The food will be good... My mother will comment profusely on the food quality or randomly bring up people I went to high school with. She'll also get in a jab how we couldn't afford college and how I could I pay all that money to go there. She'll comment on how well off DW's family appears to be in her eyes or she'll ask how much I make and DW will say "Oh Carol...stop". Then she'll ask if we have an Adjustable Rate Mortgage that is about reset and how we'll lose our house if we had one.

My Dad will say "Carol.. quit it! Why do you always say this shit?" DW will have left to walk Elijah around during this whole tirade. I will have ordered Vodka Tonic 4.

I will have finished the potatoes and spinach I ordered with the prime rib. My mom will talk about the eating habits of her four other grand kids.

The dessert menu will come and my mom will order something she won't eat and my dad won't order anything because he is still pissed at what she said.

I will order something that both me and DW like in case I can't finish.

Elijah will smile and stare at all the strange people.

Finally the bill will come and my dad won't let me pay... My mom will wonder out loud who is driving and complain that they have no money as my dad pushes me out of the way to pay. I will have been fine to drive because I held it to two glasses of wine plus I knew DW wanted the vodka tonic to get through it.

And that will be Thanksgiving tomorrow. DW and I will print this list off and bring it with us and check it off as we go. We call it Holiday Bingo... Play it sometime...

I am going outside to sit in the Porsche. Seat Heater!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

No comments: