Observations Part 4: Setting an alarm off at the mall

January 1st, New Years Day.

My wife and I head to the mall in our area that was furthest from our house, like a 1/2 an hour away. Why? Because they have the largest Pottery Barn in our area. We got the catalog before the holidays and we were obsessing over this black bar that would go perfect in our downstairs entertainment room. Well we drove out there in the Beemer and started browsing the Barn and the other stores out there. The mall was busy for New Years Day. We were surprised to see all the people and noticed some stores however, like Crate and Barrel, were not open... which we'll come back to in a minute here.

Well we found the bar we wanted and proceeded to purchase it with our combined gift Visa's we got for Christmas. Guys actually dig Pottery Barn, seriously. It isn't some metrosexual thing either. Guys like Pottery Barn because there usually a couple of smart-looking, hot chicks working there. While your wife is out looking at the arty candle holders and silver frames that are going to be a bitch to hang on the wall if she buys them, you are looking at over priced leather chairs and gladly accepting help from the friendly girl who is only nice to you because its her job. It's like a stripper who keeps her clothes on right there in Pottery Barn, paying attention to YOU!!! (There I said it)

So this bar weighes a ton and is not going to fit in our BMW. No freaking way!!
So now we're screwed, gotta go home and get the work truck 1/2 hour away, and come back. 2 hours of quality XBOX time gone this holiday. And I am mad hungry so we stop at In and Out Burger. (Those of you not blessed to have one of these in your town are missing out. Their food is as good as crack, but only you'll gain weight by eating it) So we wait in the drive through that is taking for ever. (See Observations Part 1)

Fast forward, we get the truck, head back to Roseville. And it's about this time, my wife is asking me about if I remembered the directions to the back of the store and where I am thinking about the hot chick that told them to me, where I admit, the pig I am, I am not entirely sure where. (grammatically challenged butever so dazzling) I think she said behind Crate and Barrel or was it to the side, oh wait, its right here.

California has a good law, if your vehicle has one letter in the license plate and the rest numbers (ie. 4A12345) you can park in loading zones and cops and mall security can't do a flying squat about it because you are "loading". So we park near the Crate and Barrel loading dock and I run in and pound on the door. No answer. So what the hell, I try the door and it's unlocked!! Now somewhere between the time I tried to open the door and when the loudest freaking bells I have ever heard chimed, I realized it was the back door to Crate and Barrel, not Pottery Barn. Stupid me, but wait... Wasn't Crate and Barrel closed? Ooops... some manager got pullled away from their familiy holiday.
So I casually flee the scene. Screaching my Dakota, around the corner while my wife is going," Did you do that?" So I park and well.... the bad thing about the In and Out I told earlier that is like crack? Well try exl-lax... I had a mad case and was on the run. I pounded the Pottery Barn door at the correct spot. The stock boy answered the door, I said, in the green truck and I booked it to the nearest public restroom, which was of course quite unsanitary. I am like Jerry Seinfeld when it comes to public restrooms.
I came back from my "alone time" and the stock boy loaded my truck just for me. Meanwhile, 5 security dudes in their white golf carts are freaking out because..."Someone is in Crate and Barrel and we can't find them!" Yes... I left them hanging.

The bar looks nice downstairs!