Wednesday, June 14, 2006

I am Jack's Burning Rage...

I went to my beginning Pain Management Class today and it was exactly what I expected:

Something they could have put on a DVD and sent to my house with a little question and answer form to prove we watched it.

I walked into the room and as I expected I saw 20 or so 50 plus year old people carrying canes. I had 20 years on the nearest person. What the hell was I doing there?

I am Jack's Burning Rage

Sorry for the blatant "Fight Club" rip but when one of the lady's started to talk about going to your inner soul and trunk to make yourself well, that was all I could think of. I was waiting for Marla Sanger to be standing outside smoking a cigarette and stealing coffee. And the seats in the conference room could not be more uncomfortable. People with chronic pain in uncomfortable chairs. No one could sit still... No one. I felt like a faker.

And what I really enjoyed was their explanation of chronic pain vs. acute pain. You acute pain is pain that just happened to you like burning yourself on the oven or poking yourself with a sharp blade. Chronic pain is much different because "the injury was healed but the pain lingers on".

The translation of all this to me meant, "Welcome to the Black Hole, We know how to fix you but it's cheaper if we torture you with classes like this." I sort of sucked.

They also showed a slide with a series of circles. At the center was your pain. The next was the loss of your activities. The next was the change in your mood. And finally the last circle was how your pain effected your relationships. Some how, I wondered where dealing with the administrative process of a Kaiser Hospital fit into this. I saw one FREAKING DOCTOR this whole time. Hello? Diagnosis anyone?

After the administrative overview came the Physical Therapist. A fairly attractive petite woman. All I noticed was this huge silver cross dangling from her neck while she talked about the holistic side and how the pain was "in your head" and it "had to be managed" and how they had 2 dogs that assisted with the therapy. Oh brother...

Next came my favorite part. (Seriously) The pain psychiatrist. My infinite boredom ended with his charisma. He said some things that made sense and other things that were way out there but he at least peaked my interest. He began to tell some story about some patient who went beserk in the examination room with him. How this patient just demanded the drugs and the shots and basically to get the hell out of his way. Apparently it almost got physical and the patient was upset and ran out of the building... only to be struck by a car and lose his legs, and how he has "poop bag" and can't clean himself and that guy had to come back to the pain clinic for therapy year later. I laughed inside... Seriously is anyone that psycho? Look both ways before you cross the street no matter how pissed you are!!

Bottom line, I guess I am gonna get some new forms of treatment and maybe some new hobbies like Yoga and Tai Chi so I can learn how to relax myself. So much for the other hobbies I had for relaxation like, blogging perhaps... or playing my guitar which is hard to do these days... or that relaxing drive in the Porsche I can't do now so well because my left leg goes numb and I can't push the clutch quickly... or work on my yard and house, I'd like to finish some home improvement projects like the ceiling downstairs or moving a fence or maybe renovate my bathroom, you know... stuff I like to do.. or really, what I used to do for relaxation: Play golf and drink beer with my friends. I seriously get a helluva lot more enjoyment out of that since GOLF had EVERYTHING TO DO WITH WHY I HURT!!!

I am done... peace...

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