Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year

The Edge is the man going from piano to guitar to backing vocals. One of his better guitar solos too.

I drank myself a little silly tonight. Not as bad as seester in law... but she's okay. I write this post minutes after midnight. More fireworks and gulp, gun shots tonight than past memories. I have been around guns... I can tell the difference between a fire work and a bullet breaking the sound barrier. I was walking home right after the Dick Clark stroke of Midnight a fear came over me with bullets raining down on my neighborhood.

Does anything ever change on New Year's Day? A symbolic day we all celebrate (sort of) with drink, food and more drink. We say to ourselves "this year will be different". But do we really make this next year, each year different?

I think it is human nature to want to get better. To succeed is always something we want. Hopefully... That is... But, what is hope really? I think hope is an empty promise we make to ourselves. Hope is not something we actually strive for, it is just an empty mindset. Success though is something that not only do we admire individually but we admire in others. Success is hard work, stamina and perseverance. New Year's Day is a symbolic day to "hope" for something. Success though is a bigger period of time that doesn't occur on a day... it takes a lifetime.

December was an interesting month on this blog. As some of you have noticed I have written more than I have. Almost everyday actually. I also had the most hits this year at just over 2400 in a month, the most this year and more of those hits are staying longer and coming back, which means I am picking up more readers. I think there are 20-30 regulars now but only I care about that stuff, right... Actually... Selina told me through facebook that blogging is a thankless art. I agree. Anyone can do it but can they keep it going for a long time? Face it, this is the new diary format. But we let anyone read it. So many people got IKEA gift certificates for example because they are all stuck working on their new sinks this weekend. Others have cat's with hairballs. Some people are coming in because of some political comment I made on another blog. Who knows. I am not intentionally dragging people here but they keep coming and I will keep going at it.

Nothing changes on New Years Day. Well except maybe though I should. I think sometime around Thanksgiving I came to the realization that all this physical pain I suffer from day after day is due to some form of depression. (Quiet Teeny this is serious shit :) ) I am not the type that wants to go leap off a building or swallow 40 vikes. I do however after reading forever via wikipedia and other sites around the internet think I got something up. I can't always shake the pain. It comes and goes but it comes at the times I am most stressed, distraught or sickly, like with a cold. And when I am distraught over something I can't stop it. If I worry about other people too much it takes over. If I see Elijah upset I want to run and hide. It's weird and it's there and I can't hide from it. With all the doctors and psychologists I have seen, you'd think they'd have spotted it instead of saying, "Hey take this, we don't know what's up with you.". I remember questioning a doctor about bi polar disorder once and he laugh and said that while I had elevated moods I'd have to go on a crazy drug and prostitute binge spending all my money away at some casino and then come down to this sick sad person who wanted to leap off a bridge before I'd be declared bipolar. I sort of laugh at that a little now because I don't know if that is exactly true. I think one would have to experience elicit drugs and the rush that probably comes along with acting all crazy like that to revisit it time after time. I like to revisit happiness or successful achievements. So when I do a achieve... I get giddy. Maybe yoga is the answer to just fucking relax once in a while but I really should question my medical provider a bit further, eh? But if I call, are they going to haul my ass off to some looney bin? How do you do this and maintain sanity around the house and work? Too much shit to worry about really right.

With that all said, I think the answer lies in going back into doing what made me happy. I wrote a month or so back about being flying high at 18 years old, and stomping everyone and everything that was put before me (besides the advanced placement Calculus exam). But the energy to say, "Fuck it" and just beat things to a bloody pulp to get my way and what I wanted. All that energy sort of trickled down in college and sort of died in LA those six months trying to make it in the music business in 1996. Coming home late fall 1996 was a period when I hit rock bottom. I don't think I enjoyed Christmas too much that year. But yeah, I ended my brief entertainment career well I guess. I got a good job, a wife, a nice house... the luxury car... etc. But something died in me along the way and I often wonder now if it is this pain thing because internally I am mourning that loss of that energy I had in my younger days. Maybe it wasn't you know, physical energy but more of a spiritual energy if you would... I mean... Can part of us just die off with out us realizing it? Or am I realizing that part of me is on life support? There are things in our lives that cannot be taken away from us. Education... Life experience... love... our kids... (even if you get separated from your kids you still are apart of them right? In some sort of spiritual connectiveness type way?) But talent... No one can take talent away. And I think though it's talent part of me that's one that is screaming to get out. I mean... my senior year in high school I was first chair in the California State Honor Band with the instrument I played. Numero Uno? How the fuck did I get there? Then to the good school... to this? A guy with a great job, kid... wife... house... and if I stay the course, a lot of cool things will happen as I ride off into the sunset of life the next 50-60 years. Yet, I yearn for the mistakes I made in 1996. The corrections I could have made to stay on that path and realize a dream. Looking back over this last rambling paragraph you could easily say I am crazy. I am... I am nuts for thinking about those mistakes. Live and learn Steve... you are doing just fine. Scared as all hell but just dandy. Maybe... Of course...

So here I am 2008... An hour into the new year... correcting my spelling mistakes so Teeny doesn't call it on me in a comment or two. I have re-read this wondering what's next. I don't know... I should push my talents together... maybe. Perhaps it's a will to succeed in each and everything I do that is making me think a little differently about myself these days. I am trying to recognize the problem on my own... challenge it... overcome it like anything else I do. But I also think that pushing my talents together could help. I have this guitar collection and I have this writing skill that shines once every few posts on on this blog. I can play those guitars and come up with a melody, some chords and some progressions that can be built into songs. And then I have my own unique life experience. Is it my turn to create some songs? Ever tried? I have before and it always is difficult to me. But if I think of all the challenges I have had in life and challenges I overcome everyday at work I can get past these things... just like my failure in 1996 when my Dad and I loaded all my crap up in LA and high tailed it out of town. I wonder if the lack of creativity in my life is the root of my problems?

Who knows... Happy New Year

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